Makin' Due

I woke up this morning
realized i wasn't with you
Thought I might have fucked it up
It's okay 'cuz I'll make due.

I'm always feeling like
I wasn't quite enough
things like I didn't make you happy
and other stupid stuff.

Never been told anything
so I don't know what is true.
Just left here, sittin', waiting
So I guess I'll just make due.

I suppose I'm better off
waitin' for you to come around
But I know if I don't try to call
I probably won't hear a sound.

It's gotten late
and I'm too tired to continue.
So I guess I'll get some sleep and
Tomorrow I'll just make due.

All I Can Do Is Read A Book To Stay Awake...

"and it rips my life away but it's a great escape."

I dream in still photos and graffiti writing. My dreams are often filled with the extremes of my existence and the possibilities that can be or could have been. Every photo is perfect and captures the emotion of the situation in ways even the dimwit passing by the gallery only haphazardly glancing aside could instantly pick up on the story and find himself immersed in the art exhibit that is my subconscious. There's almost always graffiti in my dreams. Even the sex dreams there'd be something on the bed post written in black sharpy. Once, I remember the quote was from Shakespeare, it was on a wall nearby it said, "Go forward, through." Was I ever! It's stuff like that... I wish I could tap into my inner creativity, my subconscious genius and out it out on paper. If I could figure that little magic trick out, I'd have the opportunity to find myself very comfortable for the rest of my days.

Last night I had a dream about a girl. She was dirty blonde and beautiful. Her smile was incredible and she made me think of summer time with the way her face lit up when she looked at me. I remember the phrase written on a table in the restaurant we were in and it said," Faberge' Happiness." Meaning, I guess, that happiness is like a Faberge egg. It is beautiful and worth a lot to you, but if you're not careful with it, it can shatter into a thousand pieces and be lost to you forever. I read this to myself a hundred times over. Her bright blue eyes were still staring and smiling back at me as if I hadn't but glanced at the writing. She was speaking but I couldn't hear her. I knew what she was saying though. She went on and on about how much she loved me and how much fun we had. That part of the dream came in flashes, photographic images of her. Close ups of her eyes and lips. Then the smile was gone and suddenly she looked very serious and started backing away. She got up and left the table, then the restaurant. I was sitting alone again staring at the table which now read, " This too, shall pass."

That's when I woke up. I sat up in my bed missing her dearly. I had to type this up just to get back to sleep. It was an awfully vivid dream and the kind I could do without. Everyone tells me it's best to move on. I am moving on I just don't know what I'm moving on to. Guess that's life huh?

"I just want someone to say to me, I'll always be there when you wake."

-S

The First New Blog of The New Year!... and it’s depressing.

"So no one told you life was gonna be this way?

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love-life's D.O.A.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year..."

So, it turns out when I'm content, I have no need to write.

For awhile there everything in my life was slowly coming together, or so it seemed to me. My social life seemed to be cruising along steadily with a group of friends who could be counted on. Freebird was back from DC and we were hanging out a lot. Work seemed survivable given that break was on and when I was there it was lethargically paced and relaxed. The shop was accommodating and somewhere to go to blow off an hour or 2. Even my family was around and in good spirits.

Fate, it seems, is not without a habit of being bipolar.

Here at the ass end of break with literally 6 minutes until Monday, damn near everything has changed. Socially speaking, the climax of break would have been the awesome party Doug and Mara put on for New Years eve. Everyone who was there, I think, had a glorious time! Examining in literary fashion you would see that after the grand climax of a story, there follows the "Denouement" where things sort of wind down into a resolution phase of the story. Sadly, in this story it's not all butterflies and hot dogs. The following morning I caused a verbal disagreement with Freebird that kind of wrecked everything. Now, particulars aside, we sorted things out on Saturday but I'm still left with this insecurity about things that won't help matters at all. She's going back to school in a couple weeks which was kind of the issue to begin with.....

I also spent time at the shop on Friday for a bit and Saturday. I'm not even sure how to describe it... Saturday I found myself with the same old feelings I'd had over the summer. Feelings of unappreciation and unneededness, if that's even proper English... Maybe it was just me, maybe it was just that day but I ended up leaving early and going home. Now my friends, well nothing's really changed there, Except Kwikki and I had a few choice words exchanged at one point. However, friends are all great. I just didn't see a whole lot of some of them and only realized today that I've kinda missed them. Missing them is my doing though so no worries there. As for family, my sister went home and Mom and Dad disappeared on day trips to where ever. I only heard from them when Verizon bugged them for me to pay my phone bill.

Which brings me to work. Job Corps. Tomorrow... errr... TODAY, I get thrown back into the fires of Hell. Back to the fast paced pressure of trying to get everything done in our understaffed little department. Bring on the headaches and bring on the stress. Oh well.

I'm trying to think more positively and it's going to have to start with Job Corps. So, here goes... Fortunately over break I had plenty of time to work on my office. I spent a few bucks and hours making it a little more comfortable. I added new wall art and stocked it with some food items. I rearranged furniture a bit and frankly it's almost cozy! LOL not really but for a place I have to spend a fair portion of my week, and for being in the middle of one of my most despised places ever, it's a sanctuary if ever there was one at Job Corps. So that's that. As far as the shop goes, well, did most of what I needed, no strike that, not needed, would-have-been-asked-to-do so if I don't show up there til Friday, I know I won't be missed. Friends? Well we're gonna have to hang out more, I mean I went and saw Juno McRollin'-Wit-Dubs tonight for a short minute. We watched as a lady shop-lifted at Lowe's and ran off, cashier in hot pursuit. She's about to effin' pop so there's that to look forward to.

Finally, I'm trying to find things to distract me, but I'm also trying to change my life for the better. I've decided to commit myself to exercising. I was inspired by my visits to Millrace over the last few days. I went out again today by myself and walked around the neighborhood of the Punkin Patch. Despite the tightness and soreness I experience I feel that energy coming back. It's such a great feeling and I missed it intensely. The good news is that it's only the beginning. Hopefully I'll be inspired to stick with it, hell, maybe someone will ACTUALLY do it with me!... Hmmm better not get my hopes up. Finding an exercise partner for me is actually harder than trying to find a date! LOL Wish me luck. For now though I need to get to bed. It's almost half past midnight and I still have to get up at 6.

"I'll be there for you, cuz you're there for me too."

-S

update: Freebird ended it. We're done.

There Are Places I’ll Remember All My Life... Though Some Have Changed

I was searching for a wall socket to plug in my Laptop. I was wanting to watch another episode of the Sopranos to fall asleep to. In searching I came across a shoe box with old photos in it. There baby pictures of both my sister and I. My parents college graduations, and other events that transpired before 1997. There were several from christmas years past. The idea of seeing yourself at a younger age isn't all that shocking. This time around I noticed my father more than anything. In so many of the pictures he was thinner and had a youthful exuberance in his smile. Something he sadly has no more. I mean he smiles, but not like that. He's older. It struck me. We notice people growing up all the time.We even notice people growing old. How often do you notice a person aging? I've never thought of my father as an old man. I always saw him as just, well, older. However, after seeing the comparison, from say, Yesterday during gift exchanges for Christmas, compared to the photos of him from a Christmas probably 14 years ago, I noticed the age in his smile. I'm not really sad having noticed it, but more taken aback. There were pictures of my father holding me as a baby. In those pictures he's only about 5 years older than I am now. Frankly, the thought was a little frightening, the idea that I'm catching up to my father in some way. You never think about this stuff until life points it out to you in some way.

I was once younger. I had more ideas, I had more energy. Life was so much less complicated. I was so...unaware of how precarious life can be, will be.

Granted there are so many joys that come with age. Those photos made me ponder the future though. You start looking at the definition in your face, how the once sparkling infinity that was in your eyes have dimmed with experience. It's a strange metaphor as no real light ever eminates from our pupils or iris.... but there is a light there when we're young. I doubt anyone will argue that. Still, next time you look in the mirror and notice your age, don't think of it sadly. Growing old means you're alive. You're not feeding the worms yet. I mean, unless you're out dumping soil on earth worms for the sake of their consumption... which would be weird.
"...some forever, not for better."

Really weird actually. I mean think about it, you'd have to dig up the worms first! Why would you do that? Man, you people are messed up. Stop feeding the fucking worms!....

I guess I ended that oddly.

Well....

"In my life, I've loved them all."

-S

Stranger.

I don't even know you anymore....
The way you talk
it's alien.
The words you say
have meaning but
the way you say them
hurt....
Like a stranger
talking stranger
thinking stranger
feeling stranger.

Who
Knew
that you
could do
that to
me too
and be you.
It's true
I'm blue.
Fuck you
too.

It's you not
me.
It sucks
to be
The reason
you flee.
I know that
we
Used
to be
Happy you
see.

Your point,
it's made.
I miss talking
Conversation
made me high.
Now you're odd.
I know who you are
But you...
You've evolved,
devolved,
because you're involved
somewhere else.
Have fun, I'll still be here
when you're done.

fine'

Atterbury Poem

Late night confessions of a midnight rambler...
Are strongly mixed with truth and the observations of
tired eyes.

Sitting, breathing, walking, dreaming...
I grow impatient of each passing experience not had.
Every nearby companion engulfed
in their own unconscious love affair with serenity.
Thoughts of envy and sadness creep like the song...
Distractions of loved ones who are not longer loving,
Make me remember how lucky I am to have lost.

The lights of man and society glow in the distance
They break up the shades of colors recently forgotten
By the sun.
Shadows form from structure and beast.
They placidly drape along the landscape
Like the random stains of an exploded bottle of ink.
No moon or stars tonight as they wickedly hoard their light
Behind the swollen clouds who's dreary dark masses
Jealously block the beauty of star light from the saturated planet.

The peace of night is serenaded
By a symphonic melody hummed on by tireless machines
While unseen natural contributors take up the harmony
Rustling, chirping, howling, and swirling a song
sung for a millenia before the first memory of man.

I sit transfixed by the incarcerating atmostphere
That captivates the senses while intrigues the imagination
Knowing, that upon break of day, the light of the Sun
Accompanied by the invasive presense of man
Will chaotically redefine the environment
That is.... until The majesty of night
Once again pacifies into nirvana.

Please..

You don't see me sitting near
quietly waiting here
completely unappreciated there
nobody asking where.

I feel invisible most of the time
sequestored away as if guilty
of some unmentionable crime

I can hear you talking
All of your attentions diverted
away from where I am stalking.

Hate and loathing consume me
Why can't I be noticed and admired
why can't any of you see?

When I disappear from here
it will truly be clear
With no one to stare
and equally no one to care.

-S

Vermillian

Beware!
It's the attack!
The emerald eyed monster
The ugly head
A nasty shadow looms...
The effects reach
far.
Makes you wonder
about me.
As I sit here
quietly
thinking, wishing,
wanting what
I can't have.

Desiring
for you to think
what I think
feel what I feel
I wish I could make you
so you'd be aware...
penetrate your mind
like a mental vagina
and impregnate
your thoughts
your soul
so you could
understand why I am
the way I am.

The way I always am.

The Invisible.

Stop.
wait for the right
moment.
You'll catch a glimpse
of something you've seen
but never noticed.
The invisible.
We aren't clear,
transparent or
hollow.
Just unspectacular
in yours eyes
and to most...
our existence
is expendable,
unreportable,
certainly
not-so-memorable.
just like being
invisible.
We harbor
great talent
revel in
deep thoughts and
happily help
everyone we can.
Thankless or
unappreciated though
we are.
We
strive to better
ourselves and those
around us
out of the kindness of our hearts.
our minds.
our souls.
So if you do
notice in passing
a vision of us in glancing
just know that it is permissible
to acknowledge the
Invisible.

-S

My Love ISN'T Like A Warm Summer Breeze.

I heard it said once in a romantic poem that the speaker's love was like a "Warm Summer Breeze". It's a very soothing line full of sensory stimulus and poetic imagery. However, if I were to describe my love it would not me like a warm summer breeze. In my opinion a warm summer breeze it an unwelcome thing. It's hot in the summer, who wants a warn breeze? Not I. Also, a breeze lasts but a few seconds if that, why would you compare your love to something so fleeting? I guess if sounds good because the individual words sound great. The word warm makes you feel warm when you say it so naturally it's a pleasant thought to think of something warm. The season of Summer is usually a favorite among most people because it's a fun season full of promise and relaxing. The word Breeze conjures up thoughts of refreshment and exhilaration that from a cool breeze in the summer time. So as you see individually the parts work, but the whole is not so great. That in itself is a TERRIBLE metaphor for your love of another person! Gee honey as individuals we're awesome like hot dogs but together we're uncomfortable and unwanted... How romantic.

How about instead, "My love is like a warm summer's promise that exhilarates you like a cool breeze wafting through the trees on a clear starry night." It may not be perfect but it sure gets the point across.

-S

Live.

Your life
is yours to live.
To share for sure
but not to give.

It is not the tree's
nor blades of grass
It is not your teachers
nor for your class.

It's your only one
so do not dwell
so that when you're done
you've lived it well.

Your life
is yours to live.

-S

Something In The Way.

There's something in the way she moves. She attracted me like no other lover. Even in the beginning when I so many other choices, she drew me in. There was something in the way she wooed me. The way her smile was like a virus, infectious and resilient. The way she'd look at me with warmth in every expression that she made. Every moment spent with her was enhanced by the joy she brought to every minor experience. I guess, I just felt lucky to share anything with her because of how much she loved sharing her life with me. The happinesses I find in the world are bolstered and refined because of how she changed my perceptions. Even the word love itself seems to be insufficient when describing how I feel for her. All I can do is hope.... hope that the way I make her feel brings her as much as she gives to me with a single look.

-S

Getting It Out

I know I miss you
and that would be enough
if it weren't for
these feelings of
anxiety and
mistrust.

It's hard you know
for me to be
calm and accepting
of thoughts,
feelings,
or anything else, I can't
see.

Cheating, Lying and
Infidelity
Are not words I'd think of
when describing the
pain
and doubt
in me.

I knew you loved me
I know it's true
however
time, distance, and
absence can
diminish or obliterate the
feelings in
you.

I hope it's only worry
and an adjustment like
you said
But every new day
I fear brings the
inevitable end
instead.

-S

To You, Who Makes My Heart Swing.

My new life has new love. I savor the long tender moments we both share. I hide how much she makes me smile. I saw you smiling at me, how you slowly placed your eyes on me... did you ever know, I had mine on you? Every time I think... I think of of you. You make me feel light and full of life. Every old thing is made new again when I do it with you. Every new thing is emblazoned with joy and memory because you were there to heighten the Euphoria that life can bring. When you're not around I feel a lacking... like I am missing out on the best part of a movie. Like the big happy ending has been missed because you are the turning point, the climax, the win. When you leave, I find myself feeling lost like trying to find meaning in a poem written in another language that I don't understand. The beautiful blue smile in your eyes makes me feel like I'm 5 again. That careless joy of childhood, forever forward looking into every new day's adventure. To say you complete me would be wrong, but to say you make it all worth while would be right on the money. You are the apple, orange, and grapefruit of my eye. You are all that is positive in my world. You embody all that is worth working for in my life and you symbolize that is precious in my heart. I miss you.

-S

Across My Inner Universe.

Picture frames and memories
dotting the walls
for all to see
inspiring those
admiring
pretty colors
and fantasy.

remembrance
of a long lost love
symbolized by
a falling dove
pained and
restrained
by a view from
high above.

just close your eyes
and you see
the world
as it appears
to me.
defining
and refining
all of my
reality.

Imagination,
points of view
intangible thoughts
have gone askew
an end to reason
is in season
for expressing
ideas to you.

The thought is not so
perverse
with good intentions it
does reverse
reflecting while
ejecting
me across the
universe.

-S

Ask Yourself...

I don't know if she will ever understand because I don't know if she really even cares. The way my blood surges in my veins when I picture of her smile. The feeling never changed. My heart aches for her every time I hear the word love. Whenever I see her picture my eyes focus on her beautiful face...

But I don't know if she really even cares. The affirmation of a warm body next to me doesn't exist. The loving gaze that meets mine to confirm a deeper passion doesn't look for me. I have only the the broken electronic modification of her heavenly voice as it comes through a telephone to reassure me, ever more frustrated, that she does indeed love me. Mostly, I have the world wide web to thank and curse for my last remaining scraps of interpersonal communication with she who my heart longs for every second of my life. A message to her followed by those obsessive moments that stretch on for hours and days waiting for response. Waiting for some rebuttal or some vindication of deepest emotion desperately needing to be shared.

There are so many ways to tell a person that you love them and I will try every way a hundred times until the message is seen, heard, or felt...

...but I don't know if she really even cares. There is the hope that she does though...

With love, always follows hope.

-S

If You're Gone...

I was never too sure
to think.
Paranoia's jealous grip
on thoughts
of love and happiness
strangle away that
smile
you loved so much.
A smile that may never
be seen again.
My heart gives up.
My lungs refuse
to breathe.
My eyes tear
and swell
as my gaze falls
from the heavens
to the floor.
Love finds a way
through obstacles
but it got lost coming back
from you.

Are you still there
for me?
Does you light shine
for someone else?
Do you hurt for me?
Or did the reality
of your true love's conviction
sway to betray
and belong to someone else?
I miss your touch.
I miss your kiss.
I die every time I think
of your smile.
I hate the depths
of the sorrow
I feel.
Where'd you go?

Doubt Me, Not.

do you have a reason to doubt me?
was there ever
a time I wasn't there?
did I not give in
in every way
every way to show I care.
Why do I
have to say
good bye
when you are the one
who sunk so low
and told the lie.
Do you have a reason to doubt me?
I said that I would never leave.
you left me standing
by the side of your heart
with only pain,
without reprieve.
I've moved onto
another love
she isn't you
but that doesn't mean
we should be through.
Do you have a reason to doubt me?
Don't block me out
or end it all
you have no reason
in me, to doubt
I am your friend
through and through
until the end
I'll be to you.
-fin-

Written for a friend who's jealousy tainted her heart and clouded her mind.
I am in love with someone else and they felt the need to try and break me of it. So when my heart and my love came out all the stronger... they decided to end our friendship. I've never given up on a friend, no matter how horrible they may have treated me. It's too bad people give up on me so easily. If only they understood just how happy she makes me. Maybe they'd be happier too. Thats the way I'd be for them. I think thats how friends should do.

-S

So Happy Together V. 2.0

The Turtles would approve I think. This version is for Samantha.

Imagine me and you
I do
I think about you all the time
is it a crime?
To write about the one you love
and make a rhyme.
So happy together.
I want to be with you
it's true
It started as a little crush
but not so much
it's grown into so much more
Love and such.
So Happy together.

I can believe me loving somebody like you
for all my life.
If you're with me, I promise to be true
for all my life.

You and me or me and you
who would've thought that we would feel
the way we do?
Or that we would be
so perfect to.
So happy together.

I can believe me loving somebody like you
for all my life.
If you're with me, I promise to be true
for all my life.

-Ess to the Em Dee

Narrations Of

a narration of my heart
would speak in volumes

of past hurts that healed
and those who linger still
in the eyes of all who
do not love me.

of recently loved
and the bitter hatred
by which their heart
still yearns for me.

of your beauty and love
and how the warmth
is with me in my chest
and in my dreams.

A Narration of my Lips
would tell of kisses

Lost to those who
never needed them but
still accepted and traded
with no value.

Blown to the wind
to pass on a message
of luck and caring for
a time long passed.

Not yet received from
your lips in a courtship
of lovers tryst and
future intentions.


A Narration of my Mind
would speak of thoughts

Of lovers blind who
left me behind for
sexual temptaion and hatred
through bitter deception.

Never trusting, believing or
listening to a heart's command
which always lead to pain
suffering, and love.

Knowing that you
present the best hope
for a long longed-for
love.

If I were to narrate
I would tell

of how the every nuance
of all aspects of your
personality beg
That I love you.

and I would tell you.
that forever, I do.