"You Gave Me The Word, I Finally Heard."

"Me used to be an angry young man
Me hiding me head in the sand"

I don't know how to blog anymore. I've basically lost my ability to write. I haven't really written anything of consequence in so long that I feel I've lost my voice. That in itself is discouraging especially when I have so much to say. I want to go off about how unhappy my life has been and how I'm on this personal quest to discover why and how I can fix it. I feel almost obligated to broadcast my ideas, not for some exaggerated sense of self-importance but more because I believe in the advice of my friends and loved ones. I think in life we have an opportunity to learn something from everyone we meet and that the smartest people we all know are the people who have taken time to learn that lesson and take advantage of it. So here goes...

After Freckles and I split I slowly came to the conclusion that everything I'd heard was correct and that I need to clarify my standing in this world and find a sense of self... or something metaphysical like that... I dunno. LOL This is definitely one of those ideas that is perfectly clear in my head but difficult to find the words to express outside of my skull. ...at least concisely ;-)

*Awkward Pause*

So yeah, uh, what makes me happy? That's a better way to look at it, I think. Rather than have a massive discussion in a blog about what depresses me... Yeah, that would be nice and Negative, ya reckon there ghostwriter? I sat down at first and I couldn't think of anything specifically that did actually bring a smile to my face. Then over the last 2 weeks that I've been thinking about it, things have started coming to mind. I like being involved in things. Granted, I'm never the sort to actively seek out something to get involved in so much of the good stuff out there has passed me by. Upon realizing this I've moved on to the question, what could I get involved in? Well what are my hobbies? Things I like to do? ART STUFF! MUSIC! FRIENDS! MOVIES! ROCK CLIMBING! Noodle Salad.

"But Seann, aren't you already doing that sort of thing through the shop?"
Yes, but that's more of a business thing and fairly irregular when it comes to my part. I'm looking for something that is a constant. Some kind of organization or activity that will allow me to really get into it and enjoy being actively involved. Something to look forward to. For the moment I'm working with my friend Dan who has set me up as a mentor for a senior project student at North High School. Her name is Jennifer and she's wanting to do a large mural exhibiting the intolerance of homosexuality. I thought the idea in it's basic form was awesome like many-a-hot dog and I'm looking forward to where she'll go with it.

I've also come to realize I want to take a more active role in my friend's lives. I've been very passive in my friendships lately and I've noticed that they've diminished because of it. I've been trying to reconnect with people. I've spent time with friends from college and high school, both, and it's been great! I've also been trying to strengthen my other friendships with my local crew and reestablish that closeness we used to have a summer ago.

Friends, as we all know, fill that super-important role in our lives as mentors, councilors, and objects of mirth! LOL Punkin I'm looking at you! I'm not saying I'd forgotten that, more just took it for granted and basically left my friendships unattended. Not-so-much anymore. I've seen the impact that being a good friend can have in life and I want to be that person for mine. Which brings me to my next topic...

A good friend of mine recently pointed out that I maybe guilty of some serious misappropriation of social concentration...errrr... she said I'm kind of self-centered in my worldly concerns and that they have a serious effect on my interpersonal relatability. Whale of a tale.. I know. My closer friends just kind of accept it about me but it may tend to drive those less able to put it aside, away, or maybe even cause me to make poor decisions on how to handle certain volatile social situations.... :-( Well, NO MORE! I've never intended my focus to be on me, it just comes off that way sometimes. So, again, I want to be more involved in the lives of those I care about, even if it means just a simple walk-n-talk. So far I've seen positive results.

Finally, I need to learn to stop worrying to fucking much! Seriously, I find myself dwelling over things I have no control over. Things that may or may not even have an effect on my life. Again, where that whole self-centered thinking comes in. I would love it if I could just go a day and not read into things. I'm working on it. I actively think less about things now. It doesn't always work but I have noticed that it contributes to my overall happiness for that day. ...and that IS the ultimate goal after it's all said and done. I just want to be a happier person. I'm not looking to be perky or anything just able to live a more stress-less life. I know that it's just a matter of learning to let go of things and to quote the greatest Rock Band EVER.

"I've got to admit it's getting better, a little better all the time."

-Ess Emm Dee

Comment. Let's hear (read them thar thots y'all be havin'!)