All I Can Do Is Read A Book To Stay Awake...

"and it rips my life away but it's a great escape."

I dream in still photos and graffiti writing. My dreams are often filled with the extremes of my existence and the possibilities that can be or could have been. Every photo is perfect and captures the emotion of the situation in ways even the dimwit passing by the gallery only haphazardly glancing aside could instantly pick up on the story and find himself immersed in the art exhibit that is my subconscious. There's almost always graffiti in my dreams. Even the sex dreams there'd be something on the bed post written in black sharpy. Once, I remember the quote was from Shakespeare, it was on a wall nearby it said, "Go forward, through." Was I ever! It's stuff like that... I wish I could tap into my inner creativity, my subconscious genius and out it out on paper. If I could figure that little magic trick out, I'd have the opportunity to find myself very comfortable for the rest of my days.

Last night I had a dream about a girl. She was dirty blonde and beautiful. Her smile was incredible and she made me think of summer time with the way her face lit up when she looked at me. I remember the phrase written on a table in the restaurant we were in and it said," Faberge' Happiness." Meaning, I guess, that happiness is like a Faberge egg. It is beautiful and worth a lot to you, but if you're not careful with it, it can shatter into a thousand pieces and be lost to you forever. I read this to myself a hundred times over. Her bright blue eyes were still staring and smiling back at me as if I hadn't but glanced at the writing. She was speaking but I couldn't hear her. I knew what she was saying though. She went on and on about how much she loved me and how much fun we had. That part of the dream came in flashes, photographic images of her. Close ups of her eyes and lips. Then the smile was gone and suddenly she looked very serious and started backing away. She got up and left the table, then the restaurant. I was sitting alone again staring at the table which now read, " This too, shall pass."

That's when I woke up. I sat up in my bed missing her dearly. I had to type this up just to get back to sleep. It was an awfully vivid dream and the kind I could do without. Everyone tells me it's best to move on. I am moving on I just don't know what I'm moving on to. Guess that's life huh?

"I just want someone to say to me, I'll always be there when you wake."

-S

The First New Blog of The New Year!... and it’s depressing.

"So no one told you life was gonna be this way?

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love-life's D.O.A.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year..."

So, it turns out when I'm content, I have no need to write.

For awhile there everything in my life was slowly coming together, or so it seemed to me. My social life seemed to be cruising along steadily with a group of friends who could be counted on. Freebird was back from DC and we were hanging out a lot. Work seemed survivable given that break was on and when I was there it was lethargically paced and relaxed. The shop was accommodating and somewhere to go to blow off an hour or 2. Even my family was around and in good spirits.

Fate, it seems, is not without a habit of being bipolar.

Here at the ass end of break with literally 6 minutes until Monday, damn near everything has changed. Socially speaking, the climax of break would have been the awesome party Doug and Mara put on for New Years eve. Everyone who was there, I think, had a glorious time! Examining in literary fashion you would see that after the grand climax of a story, there follows the "Denouement" where things sort of wind down into a resolution phase of the story. Sadly, in this story it's not all butterflies and hot dogs. The following morning I caused a verbal disagreement with Freebird that kind of wrecked everything. Now, particulars aside, we sorted things out on Saturday but I'm still left with this insecurity about things that won't help matters at all. She's going back to school in a couple weeks which was kind of the issue to begin with.....

I also spent time at the shop on Friday for a bit and Saturday. I'm not even sure how to describe it... Saturday I found myself with the same old feelings I'd had over the summer. Feelings of unappreciation and unneededness, if that's even proper English... Maybe it was just me, maybe it was just that day but I ended up leaving early and going home. Now my friends, well nothing's really changed there, Except Kwikki and I had a few choice words exchanged at one point. However, friends are all great. I just didn't see a whole lot of some of them and only realized today that I've kinda missed them. Missing them is my doing though so no worries there. As for family, my sister went home and Mom and Dad disappeared on day trips to where ever. I only heard from them when Verizon bugged them for me to pay my phone bill.

Which brings me to work. Job Corps. Tomorrow... errr... TODAY, I get thrown back into the fires of Hell. Back to the fast paced pressure of trying to get everything done in our understaffed little department. Bring on the headaches and bring on the stress. Oh well.

I'm trying to think more positively and it's going to have to start with Job Corps. So, here goes... Fortunately over break I had plenty of time to work on my office. I spent a few bucks and hours making it a little more comfortable. I added new wall art and stocked it with some food items. I rearranged furniture a bit and frankly it's almost cozy! LOL not really but for a place I have to spend a fair portion of my week, and for being in the middle of one of my most despised places ever, it's a sanctuary if ever there was one at Job Corps. So that's that. As far as the shop goes, well, did most of what I needed, no strike that, not needed, would-have-been-asked-to-do so if I don't show up there til Friday, I know I won't be missed. Friends? Well we're gonna have to hang out more, I mean I went and saw Juno McRollin'-Wit-Dubs tonight for a short minute. We watched as a lady shop-lifted at Lowe's and ran off, cashier in hot pursuit. She's about to effin' pop so there's that to look forward to.

Finally, I'm trying to find things to distract me, but I'm also trying to change my life for the better. I've decided to commit myself to exercising. I was inspired by my visits to Millrace over the last few days. I went out again today by myself and walked around the neighborhood of the Punkin Patch. Despite the tightness and soreness I experience I feel that energy coming back. It's such a great feeling and I missed it intensely. The good news is that it's only the beginning. Hopefully I'll be inspired to stick with it, hell, maybe someone will ACTUALLY do it with me!... Hmmm better not get my hopes up. Finding an exercise partner for me is actually harder than trying to find a date! LOL Wish me luck. For now though I need to get to bed. It's almost half past midnight and I still have to get up at 6.

"I'll be there for you, cuz you're there for me too."

-S

update: Freebird ended it. We're done.

There Are Places I’ll Remember All My Life... Though Some Have Changed

I was searching for a wall socket to plug in my Laptop. I was wanting to watch another episode of the Sopranos to fall asleep to. In searching I came across a shoe box with old photos in it. There baby pictures of both my sister and I. My parents college graduations, and other events that transpired before 1997. There were several from christmas years past. The idea of seeing yourself at a younger age isn't all that shocking. This time around I noticed my father more than anything. In so many of the pictures he was thinner and had a youthful exuberance in his smile. Something he sadly has no more. I mean he smiles, but not like that. He's older. It struck me. We notice people growing up all the time.We even notice people growing old. How often do you notice a person aging? I've never thought of my father as an old man. I always saw him as just, well, older. However, after seeing the comparison, from say, Yesterday during gift exchanges for Christmas, compared to the photos of him from a Christmas probably 14 years ago, I noticed the age in his smile. I'm not really sad having noticed it, but more taken aback. There were pictures of my father holding me as a baby. In those pictures he's only about 5 years older than I am now. Frankly, the thought was a little frightening, the idea that I'm catching up to my father in some way. You never think about this stuff until life points it out to you in some way.

I was once younger. I had more ideas, I had more energy. Life was so much less complicated. I was so...unaware of how precarious life can be, will be.

Granted there are so many joys that come with age. Those photos made me ponder the future though. You start looking at the definition in your face, how the once sparkling infinity that was in your eyes have dimmed with experience. It's a strange metaphor as no real light ever eminates from our pupils or iris.... but there is a light there when we're young. I doubt anyone will argue that. Still, next time you look in the mirror and notice your age, don't think of it sadly. Growing old means you're alive. You're not feeding the worms yet. I mean, unless you're out dumping soil on earth worms for the sake of their consumption... which would be weird.
"...some forever, not for better."

Really weird actually. I mean think about it, you'd have to dig up the worms first! Why would you do that? Man, you people are messed up. Stop feeding the fucking worms!....

I guess I ended that oddly.

Well....

"In my life, I've loved them all."

-S