Chapter 2: Bigger Smaller

I woke up the next morning feeling pretty good about myself. the eggs I made for breakfast were no different than the ones I made the yesterday but these tasted better. Everything felt lighter. The constant onslaught of bad news in the paper or on the TV even seemed like white noise compared to the fulfilling sensation of what had happened the day before. Then... my friend, and I use the term loosely, Kyle came over.
Kyle thought he knew me too.
People always think they know a nice guy.
I liken my relationship with Kyle to that of Biff and George from the Back To The Future movies. He thinks I'm a nice, and weak, guy that he can take advantage of. Hell, I let him. I didn't want to take the chance of pissing off the one friend I had that came over to hang out with me. By hang out I mean eat all of my food, make cracks at how I looked, leave a massive shit in my bathroom toilet, and just be a total dick.

Kyle was wearing his black, form-fitting shirt and skinny jeans today. He must be going out somewhere to pretend he's hip.
I fucking hate fake people. I hated myself for so long because I was one of them.
He asks me at the door if I have any beer. I slam the door in his face because he has officially killed my good mood. There is this deep burning feeling I get in my chest and eyes when people ruin a good thing for me. That feeling like when you've been sitting too close to an open flame for too long and everything feels hot like you're cooking in an over.
Kyle the dick bangs on my door cursing at me like I should be impressed or give a shit. Finally after I down a glass of orange juice he stops. I go to put the glass in the sink and he kicks the door. The noise startles me and I drop the glass on the floor, where it shatters into hundred of tiny, unusable, but very bad for bare feet, bits.
I yell to Biff, Dick, Kyle... whatever, that I'll just be a minute as I walk back to my living room. I pull on my boots. Black sketchers are good for formal wear as well as creating imprints in people's hind-flesh. As I'm tying the last boot I see a sharpie and get an idea.
Kyle's there waiting like a moron when I get back. He looks at me annoyed and asks where the fuck I've been. I smile. I like smiling. He gives me a quizzical look as I motion for him to enter still smiling. He then heads predictably for the fridge. As he passes I slip a sketcher in between his skinny jeans. He doesn't fall but corrects himself turns around ass if to strike but stops short looking at my smile with a slight twinge of something slowly crossing his eyes with all the tell-tale signs of what seems to be fear. He then shrugs as if not to care, though I'm pretty sure it was a self assuring shrug that "this guy wouldn't try shit with me" kind of deal. I laugh.
He spins again this time asking what I'm "fucking sun shining about". His glare puts up a macho facade of controlled anger, but his voice is the give-away this time. There is a slight quiver in his words. The control in his face disappears when step into him. I stop and inch from his face and let my smile fade away.
It doesn't take much from there on. I only nudge him a little with the palms of my hands flat against his chest and he goes down like there was a trap door opening beneath him. As he moves to get up I place my left sketcher on his stupid form-fitting shirt to reassure him that he'll get up when I like.
It's now that the sharpie comes into play. I knelt down so that my knee was on his sternum and told him if he struggled I'd crush his rib inward puncturing his heart and lungs. I think I smiled too sadistically because silly Kyle believed me. I pulled out the sharpie and wrote "door mat" on his forehead. It was only after I finished writing that I saw the undeniable terror in his eyes. The big bad bully had fallen off his horse and found that on the ground he was no bigger than all the other he used to walk through.
Feeling like my point had been made I looked him dead in the eye and said, "Welcome to everyone else's life." Then I got up and leaned up against the kitchen table making no movements as he slowly got to his feet. I wasn't smiling anymore. Inside I felt bad for sinking to his level. I didn't like it on the other side.
Kyle didn't say another word, he just left quietly until he got to the door and then he ran as fast as he could in his skinny jeans.
Putting the sharpie down on the counter I smirked knowing that I would never see Kyle again. I knew I would sleep well yet another night.

I Miss

Keep talking
We talk about nothing.
we talk
just to Listen
I like to hear your voice.
Miss it, when it's
not there,
Here.
Hear it.
Our talks,
were always good.
fun, like that time
in the parking lot.
That first night.
You had to go,
and I had to stay
You stayed and
I didn't go.
We sat there
for hours and
spoke,
About everything you
me.
Now we watch
what we say.
There's others
listening.
to us.
They don't talk
like we did.
When we
talk to them
they don't listen.
Only when it's
just us.
Do they hear,
us.
We should
talk more.
Now and later.

-S

Chapter 1: Birth

People think they know me.
I found myself being the nice guy an awful lot before I started all this. Everyone I knew would tell me the same things, about what a good person I was. Socially speaking, being the nice guy means being a door mat. People love you because they can walk all over you. They clean the shit off of them and wipe it all over your face. They confide in you because you're safe and nonthreatening. They know that you know that if you were to ever say anything they could deny it and you'd end up looking like the douche everyone already thinks you are.
I hated being the nice guy.
The girls I dated had no respect for me. They were with me for some sort of search for what they thought they wanted. Someone who treated them well and respected them. Turns out thats not what those girls wanted, it may have been what they needed. They wanted that asshole coke-fiend down the road who didn't know anything about them except that he'd love to fuck them in the ass until they screamed. Yes, the nice guy always gets cheated on.
This is your life. Every day you can wake up hoping for something different be it a job or girl. It doesn't matter because it's not going to happen. You get a new job it's a dead end one like the last. you meet a new girl and she's a cheating cunt like all the others.
That was my life.
Then about a week ago the latest cheating cunt was screwing the local coke-fiend and I woke up that morning and a change finally happened. I hit bottem. I got up and threw on a shirt. I walked out the back door and down a dirt path littered with bottles and trash from last weeks garbage pick up. At the end of the path was the little white shack. I went through unlocked back screen door and made a bee line to the bedroom. The cunt and the fiend were so surprised that they both gave me the same stupified looks. So I happily punched the look right off of the fiend's face which in turn scared the look off the cunt's face as she tried to untie herself from the sweaty pretzel position she had gotten into with the fiend.
I wasn't going to hit her. I don't hit girls, I'm a nice guy remember? Oh thats right, I'm rebeling against that.
She finally got to the floor and as she got up to run away I stuck out my foot and she hit the carpet hard.
"Ouch", I half laughed with a freaked out smile.
"Fuck you Asshole! What the fuck are you doing!?" She cursed and she screamed and I began to wonder why the fiend hadn't retaliated. I looked around at him and he was sitting there crying.
"Hold on sweetheart, this man is crying." I stopped and studied the loser of a person. He looked up at me and just said," I'm sorry man! Don't hit me again. I do stupid shit when I'm fucked up, you know?"
People like this have always made me miss the concept of natural selection.
I left then and there feeling free. The cunt threatened to press charges as she scrambled half naked to her white Saturn parked out front. I lovingly reminded her to wipe off the white stuff under her nose before she went to the police.
Back at home I took a piss threw off my shirt and went back to bed.
I've never slept so well that I can remember.

Dreams

wake up.
A visceral reaction
to what
what is unpleasent, unwanted.
Unconscious avatars that chase.
Forcefully pursue me.
Why do you make me remember?
It's over.
I know.
Why hope?
Persistence in dreams
undaunting, infinite.
Yes I miss you.
Doesn't mean
I want to think,
about you.
Shadows of Clockwork relationships
breaking down time,
cerebral gears falling
cracking, crushing,
on my contentment.
Beg for consciousness.
Ghostly figures representing,
gathering, like storm clouds.
Around me. Not to scare.
To make you long, pine, wish.
Something more than
ephemeral pleasure.
Ignore your instincts,
fall into the memory,
the beauty of that smile.
A smile that will,
never be, again.
remember me.
We're not real.
Awake.
heart pounds and eyes focus.
Comprehension dawns.
Disappointment sets in.
Time has passed, though,
memories, thoughts, all,
bleed from freshly cut wounds
of the mind. Thanks.
I never, ever want to
sleep again.

Us.

She comes closer
I look into your eyes
Lips biting
fingers curling
chest rising.
falling
leaning forward
kiss me once
bite my lip.
a tender sigh.
relax,
constrict around me
roll around
move the sheets
bodies rubbing
Her face twists
sweat beads.
You smile
piercings glisten in the low light.
sigh again.
bite your nipples
lips part
tongues wander like hands.
pace quickens.
faster heart, faster.
scratch my chest.
rough kisses
all over the room.
heavier breathing
Your mouth agape
muscles squeeze
Her body tightens
blood burning through
faces red
sighing louder
clutched hips
back arched
Your nails dig in.
she exhales.
final convulsion
death rattle
waves crash
lean in for a kiss.
You smile a me again.
kiss my forehead.
bodies part.
gentle embraces.
Eyes close.
I'm awake.
She'll never know
the best sex we ever had.
was with you.

That Guy.

Despite everything
I became that guy.
neutral.
Non-threatening.
The nice guy.
Good friend.
All lables for
he who finishes
LAST.
Complain to me
about this guy
who
You married.
Vent all
about how he doesn't
make you happy.
All the ways
I could.
Remind me why
I care.
Why I
Stay.
Why I
can't stop
thinking
about you.
I'm not
that guy.
Quit trying to make me
him.
I am a threat.
Never forget
history,
what came before.
Because I was
never that guy.
I tried
to steal you.
I wanted you
from him.
We have a past.
You and I.
Me and you.
us. yeah. us.
Don't treat me
like I never cared.
I haven't forgotten
that feeling.
I don't want to.
So I'm sorry but
I'm not able
to accept
your lables
I can't do,
be,
that guy.

A friend like any other.

Yesterday,
it was a friend of mine
you flirt with.
Today,
in my ear
you whisper.
Seduce me with
your promises.
You know,
I trust you.
A better friend than most.
Some leave.
Some Lie.
Promise an end.
Guaranteed bliss.
Set me free.
I've said no before.
And You always come back
Some friends
haven't and
you showed them.
Like you will
show me.
Tell me how to meet you.
The easiest way.
People who hate you
say I shouldn't listen
They say pain is temporary
but your promise is forever.
Isn't that what I want?
Exactly
what you'll give.
The glint of steal.
Inviting cold.
Bottled warmth
drink you down.
Quick, slow.
doesn't matter.
Promises fullfilled.
Should we go?
Is it right
to suffer?
Or wrong
to end it?
Confusion
Desperation
Loneliness.
All roads
led to you.
Will you take me?
I'm ready.
Help me.

War.

So confused
so distraught
I wish this war in my head would stop
I have an Angel at my side
but the devil's on my back
I feel weak and insecure
I know its wrong.
it keeps growing.
The fear, the guessing.
Love or In Love.
I can't tell.
Was I wrong at the start
She cannot be mine
But she tells me and tells me
yes all the time.
Why did I say anything at all?
wondering and second guessing.
mind obsessing
over and over and over
please tell me when
I can open my eyes and be happy again.

Nevermind

nevermind.
no really
nevermind the tears
forget the pain.
just drop it.
act like it never happens.
It is just as they say.
Life will go on.
Heh, how cliche'
You'll forget how it felt
eventually. everyone forgets.
time heals all wounds.
right?
Tomorrow means a new start
Then i'll begin again.
You'll be reminded.
Yeah you'll remember
hearts will stop
lungs will heave.
eyes moisten. but
don't look at me like that.
You knew it was coming.
or did you forget?
I know, I know
melodramatic. right?
Oh nevermind.
Sorry, didn't mean
well maybe....
no, I'm sorry
it's me. To everyone.
I made it this way
You hurt but
I feel pain.
It's what i do.
the only thing I can do.
I don't want to talk about it.
forget it, it's not important.
I just hurt
you more than I hurt.
Not anymore.
I'm not a good person.
nevermind.
Ignore me, and everything.
let me fade
You won't have to worry
anymore. I'll be done.
Don't care. please.
just stop. forget.
No, I'm fine.
nevermind.

Really.

I love that smile.
not the thought behind it.
I'm a game
enjoy the play.
because you're the best
He's just for fun
a personal sport
whatever makes you happy.
say you care with a look
love without regret
but regret that you love
and unequal mirror images
distant reflections of self
the inside and out.
Project your feelings
secrets uncovered in full light
the reality you created falls to pieces
your smile has as much charm
as the cuts in your wrist.
But I see your pain
in the way you love.
Undeserving of what you want.
stuck with what you have.
Refusing to take a risk
letting go.
Your life is written
in the marks on your skin.
Too sensitive?
driving you crazy.
why come back?
Why lie?
You keep trying to escape.
elastic reactions to your attempts
pushing with force
quickens your return.
Deny how you feel
until your nose starts to bleed.
Your dishonest shelter
with holes in the roof
they get bigger with every smile.
Stop being afraid
Still you play.
but the game never ends.
I may be hurt,
but in the end we both lose.
Change the rules.
Let me play.
Not us, but you and me.
Be true, friend?
really.

Disappointment.

a prayer to the heavens
wishing on the stars
hopes lifted up
seems pointless so far.
down here we
live a real life
convaluted day to day
problems and strife.
i can't waste my time
I got things to do
old bills I gotta pay
to make way for the new.
Politics, Religion
some birds got infected
I'm to busy thinking about
my application got rejected
more choices to make with
every chance that I'm able
can't worry about a career
have to put food on the table.
College education
supposed to pay for itself
Cheap wage labor
doesn't provide much wealth
Higher education
isn't what it seems
doesn't give way to
prayers, hopes, wishes and dreams.
hard work, ambition
experience, and knowing someone.
Those are the things that matter
when this long ass day is done.
I'm ready go home
quit working and sit
I've done my fair share
of this low paying bullshit
So tomorrow I'll get up
early and get in line
fill out another application
so I can get mine.

Renewed Direction.

I've been writing alot of poems. I don't feel my other blog is really a good place to post them.... given the subject matter, so I'm going to start using this blog as my outlet. Assuming it's working anyway.

so here goes.

There.

It was foggy on the drive back
just like that first night
great!
Pattern recognition's a bitch.
Fog, Tattoos, Hair-dye, all fucked.
It was nice seeing you.
Even though, you weren't you.
Memories would bleed
like fresh razor cut.
They lingered and now I'm emo.
At least it's Wednesday.
Wednesdays are always boring.
I'm grateful for any break
in the monotony.
I hate fucking friday nights.
most people love them.
I hate them.
Fridays disappoint.
People let you down Fridays.
You meet the girl of your dreams Fridays
Your girlfriend cheats on you fridays
You get dumped fridays.
This is your life and
it's ending one friday at a time.
Drive's over. back home.
It's time to forget again.
it was nice though, seeing you again.
Even if it wasn't THAT you.

New Bag.

As much as I enjoy bitching....

I also want to post things from my sketch book. If not for feedback then for my own silly pleasure.

No Exit Strategery.

Why is our president such a moron? According to his last speech the reason we shouldn't pull out Iraq is because terrorists would commence more attacks on our country's soil. So... since the war has been going on.... the terrorists stopped planning attacks? Mr. Bush you redefine stupid on a daily basis. Is this what we should call STRATEGERY? Who elected this guy? Oh yeah, people who don't want boys kissing.

another test.... yes I'm learning.

just a test

Weekend Break Down.

Friday.
I worked a half day @ KC and had my oil changed finally! I was only 6-7 thousand miles overdue. The drive up to Muncie was fantastic. I think it may have actually been one of the best parts of my whole weekend second only to seeing Kristin again. Anyway, it was great being in Muncie and hanging with Asian-Ben while having access to g4 and 9 pizza kings.

Saturday.
I tried really hard to sleep but couldn't. No surprises there. We left to go pick up and meet people in Hartford at around 2:30 am. We met up with Asian-Ben's friends Derrik, Lam, Kevin, and Kevin's lady Debra. The guys were all dressed up in shirts from Alter Ego Comics, I was not. Anyway, we drove up to Chicago. I managed a total of maybe a few hours sleep. We got there and I was still tired from lack of sleep. Everyone else got in almost right when we got there as they had advance tickets. I had to wait an hour until I could be allowed to buy a ticket. After buying my ticket I got ushered off to a room where I got to wait another hour ro be allowed into the convention hall. Yep, I had to wait two hours longer than all the people I came up with. Note to self for next year, buy advanced tickets. Inside was awesome. Kristin, beautiful and talented. People in costumes, not always beautiful. After the con we went on an adventure to find our hotel. When we finally found it we found out that the double room 6 people were supposed to share was actually a single bedroom for 6 people to share. Kevin and Deb got the bed. Asian-Ben, Derrik, and I slept on the floor while Lam very oddly sorta slept upright in a chair. I was camped out under the sink area next to the bathroom. I slept like a baby.

Sunday.
Everyone was up by 8 am and we left around 9 am. Kevin and Debra went back to the con while we stopped at Dunkin Donuts before making the trek back to Muncie. I've missed Dunkin Donuts. I still have a few left of the dozen I bought. When we got back Asian-Ben took Lam and Derrik back to Hartford City while I did some fanart of Harley Quinn and Cammy. I had pizza king that night.

Monday.
I woke up around 11:30 am and watched a generous amount of g4tv. How I miss that channel... After Asian-Ben awoke we went to go see Talladega Nights: the ballad of Ricky Bobby. It was funny funny. We stopped off at Alter Ego Comics to say whats up to jason. After that I left for home. The trip down was fast and enjoyable, but knowing where I was traveling too seriously decreased the joy of the trip. Tomorrow I get to go back to dull existense in C-bus IN.

-Ciao

Things I learned from WWChicago Con 2006

one.
I need to bring my own water and food. I paid almost $8 for a tiny slice of pizza and a small cup of pepsi(which was filled to the brim with ice).
two.
I want more money to spend. I went over to the TopCow and Aspen booths first and then made a B-line to Artist alley. I bought a print of [link]" a moon<>from kristin. After that she gave me another print which was equally awesome of Kiani (my favorite Fathom toon). She directed me to another artist, Stuart Sayger, from whom I bought a print. So it was in my head then that I wanted art, art, art. I found Tony Moore (walking dead) and just about lost it. The Walking Dead is my favorite comic right now. Bad thing was, he was charging $75 for sketches. Thats a lot, but I REALLY wanted him to do me as a Zombie. So next year I will get one, I just need more money to spend on that and buy books at the same time.
three.
Attend more panels. I loved the ones I attended, those being Peter Stiegerwald's coloring class, and Peter David's writing class. I need to attend these for two VERY important reasons. One being you learn a ton about comics. And, two you get to sit down for at least an hour. My feet were my downfall Saturday. It's hard to have as much fun as possible when you feel like you're walking on rocks barefoot.
four.
Have a better camera. Last year I had my film camera which is an awesome camera for art photography but not snapshot as it is manual/analog. This year I borrowed my dad's digicam which was awesome until I realized that it takes several seconds to save the pictures and if you say, do something with it before it's finished saving, you lose the pic you just took. I took ALOT of pics at the con, but only four saved to the camera....
Overall.
It was superfluous! I had SO much fun this year. I got many great comics including the excellent first trade of Girls from the luna brothers. I also got lots of inspirational art from some excellent people.
Kristin, you rock.

A Short Letter To The Indiana Sniper.

Dear Asshole,

What gives you the right? I hope your fate is not decided by a jury, but by the families of those whose lives you have forever made just a little bit darker. I do not blame you. I blame your parents. They deserve the same fate as you. A 17 year-old with access to a sniper rifle is insane. I hope they are proud, your parents. They raised a murderer well.
It is people like you that make this pascifist glad we have a death penalty. Now where as I'm sure your age will prevent you with recieving it, I do hope that the prosecution dangles in your face enough to make you sick. I know you'll never really be sorry for what you've done. I just hope you spend the rest of your life being as stupid and bored as you must have been this past weekend. I hope you spend the rest of your life learning you truly are a worthless piece of shit. What gave you the right?

What To Do?

It's those little reminders in life that really get under your skin.

Myspace.com is a good way to keep in touch with friends and see what people are up to. It is also good at reminding you of all the things you are NOT doing. At least, thats how it works for me. It's not like I have had a choice lately though. I'm working everyday of the week now. The people I hang with are usually already busy at something by the time I'm availible. Actually, I'm usually too tired at the end of the day to care one way or the other.

Then I get on Myspace and get reminded, oh yeah! People do things. Damn you responsibility! I have some days off coming up though and I'm going to take full advantage of them. I wanna do some kinda road trip. I was orginally supposed to be going to Chicago for a convention during the weekend in question, but because of financial obligations to a certain loan company I cannot. SO road trip! Somewhere cheap, yet fun. Ideas?

-Ciao

This Week in my Own Personal History

I am working ALOT these days. As I've made aware to most people I've come in contact with, I'm working 7 days a week. Actually I work everyday from July 19th to August 3rd. It's bearable (bareable?) whatever, it is and at least it means more money for the hell-plague that is college loan repayment. Word.
So, this week was my Art Camp at KC. Yeah, it started out bumpy, but I found my grove and it turned out awesome. It's a big deal for those who don't know, because it's basically my first stab at teaching art in a classroom session. Oh yeah, I fucking rocked it. The kids loved me, the parents said I did a great job, my co-workers were giving me props left and right. I couldn't be happier with it. It's gratifying to know the things I came up with were so well recieved, and enjoyed by the kids.
As a psuedo-reward to myself I ordered some climbing gear. It just doesn't get old. It's good for you/me. I haven't had a physically challenging hobby in years, not since wheelchair sports in college. I ordered some shoes and a harness for climbing. At work we got some new climbing rope in so Wall-Alex and I are getting the old ones replaced.
It occured to me that the places to to throw up graffito expands exponentially when you can reach higher surfaces.... I'm just sayin'.
In other news, I canceled my trip to the Chicago ComicCon. Against my will. Thats all I have to say about that.

-Ciao

Of Summer Eclair's and Pupils Alike...

Bizarre things are afoot...



... well just one foot would be pretty bizarre! (Rim-shot) followed by (crickets)

Hmm.

Well I was running around myspace last night and happened upon a girl I knew from 3 years ago and lost contact with. As I like to keep my subject's anonymity, I'll refer to her as Summer Eclair. That will do. But I digress, Summer Eclair was 14 years of age a lable I am sure she would strongly protest. In normal space/ time functionality it would put her at about 17 now. So imagine my surprise when I found she'd manage to fold time, in relative terms of course, so that she actually doubled her rate of aging over the past few years and found her at the age of 20 on her myspace account. Now, as I was later informed the ruse is only in place so that she can live normally the life of a college student. Yes, 17 and a soon to be sophomore at the University of {censored}. She is a bright, mature, beautiful girl. I'm pleased as punch that shes studying photography.

In other news:

Today was the first day of Art Camp at my place of business. When I awoke this morning I couldn't remember what a pencil was let alone how to teach an art class. After a 32 oz pepsi and a few seconds of pumping adrenaline in front of 20 students, not only did I remember but, and I must be frank, I rocked being an art teacher!

Guess that means I'm on one of those Ups.

-Ciao

Even My Own Mind Is Against Me....

I just woke up from the single most depressing dream I've ever had. First let me explain that I don't dream much and even more rarely so I dream and not know it's a dream....

"It's my first day back living at college. I was back at ECU and living in the dorms. My roommate was a stocky guy who was really into computers. Through out the day I met a few other dudes that lived nearby and they were all asking me questions about what games I like and what my first college experience was like. Later, on we sitting out in the common area when a student put on play started up. The play was very artsy and boring so the 3 other guys and myself got up and started what I think was some sort of laser tag game. Dreams are hazy about these things. Anyway the game roused the attentions of our R.A.....

This girl was the dream embodiment of everything I've always wanted in a woman. Which should have been a BIG clue! Anyway she came in to explain a few things to me about policies and then she came onto me. Not in a sexual way, but a romantic way. Then we started making out. Thats when it hit me that this was a dream.

I woke up in my bed and was pissed that it wasn't real. I was storming around and I ran into my mom. I told her about the dream and how perfect it was and yada yada yada. The next day I was coming back from work still moping. Mom comes up to me determined telling me she saw the girl I described or at least someone alot like her. As I was telling her I couldn't do it. She told me to do it for my sister. Because my sister had recently died in the Ocean from a shark bite to the neck. I then remembered what happened to my sister and started crying, not Liz not Liz."

It was then I woke up. Depressed as hell from that for a minute. The reference to my sister being dead came from the last dream I remember having from about 2 months ago. I HATE dreams like that! Ugh.... now I gotta talk to someone on th ephone and act like nothing incredibly weird ever happened.

-Ciao

The Events In Your Life Go Up and Down

The more you need sleep the harder it is to get that sleep.
It must be late, my reminder that my anti-virus subscription has expired notice just popped up. So, I need to write to get my thoughts out, then maybe, sleep.

Since my last post a lot of things have happened. A few notable events like being kicked out of my house by my mother, and subsequently learning that someone I know isn't who I thought she was. I hope she knows two things... that I'm mad at her but also that just because I'm mad at her dosn't mean I don't still care about her. I also went to full-time hours at kidscommons... only eight months after I was promised I would be. Just in time for the 6 month loan defferment to come to a close. On the heels of that came the firing of one of my bosses which has proven to be a blessing for most who still work at kidscommons.

Another aspect of life that has materialized in the last few days is that my life is suffering from very polarized times of happiness and unhappiness. I attribute this to the fact that I latch so tightly onto the good things in life, whilst becoming as apathetic during the unhappy moments. This past Saturday was incredibly fun. I met someone from Myspace who lives a town over. She's completely attractive but my trepadation far exceeds my attraction due to the other 2 guys she's interested in. Still I hope that theres a new friendship there at least. I went out and had a great time with some other people later that night. Went with Wall-Alex and his very obscurely opinionated ex-girlfriend who's name escapes me. We had strange conversations ranging from Elvis and Graceland to masturbation and Heidi Klum's "Big German Tits". All That was great, then Sunday sucked. World Cup finals prevented it from being a total loss but after the game there was no event too small I wouldn't have attended to bring in some enjoyment to the waining hours of a wretched day.

So I've hit a low end again. Maybe that means tomorrow will be awesome and I'll pick up and hit another highpoint again. I wonder, can you be counted as bipolar if it's not your personality or emotional state but more your life and all the factors that surround you?

-Ciao

Paradise

It’s a strange thing, seeing something differently than you ever did before. For the first time in longer than I can remember I actually watched The Beach in it’s entirety. Instead of the wanderlust or longing for that one perfect day that I usually get filled with I felt the weight of the darkness in the movie. I remember the darkness in the book and I never once associated that with movie until now. Oddly enough, this re-envisioned sense of the movie only makes it that much more precious to me. I think it’s a sign that I’ve changed and grown.

The movie used to be a metaphore for a place of escape. Whether it was while I was watching the movie itself or listening to the soundtrack like I am now, it always took me out of reality to some more perfect place. A safe place where I could be that young college guy sitting out in the sun reading a book with my beautiful girlfriend.

The music of the movie will always remind me of such a time and place where that was a reality for a few hours. Songs from the movie with that overwhelming sense of a sunny day's promise. When I bought the soundtrack it was one of the first warm days of spring my second year of college. It was the spring of 2002. I remember the grassy area outside my dorm called the "Noyer Bowl" filled with people playing sports or laying out enjoying the sun. My girlfriend of the time, Marie and I went out and laid out under a tree and read our respective books. I popped the Beach soundtrack into my CD player and drifted off. It was absolutely perfect.
It’s been a more that four years since that day and in that time the world has changed around me completely. Obviously, most of the changes since then have been good ones so I don’t know that there is any sadness in these thoughts. It’s just odd because for the first time I more than understand the closing lines of the movie...

"I still believe in paradise, but now I know it's not some place you can look for. Because it's not where you go. It's how you feel for a moment in your life. If you find that moment, it lasts forever."

-Ciao

Fuck The Middle East, Bring Our Troops Home!!!

I'm pissed and need to vent.

I just read that the bodies of the soldiers who were captured last week in Irag have been found and were "brutally" murdered. I am so fucking sick of people dying because of some fucking asshole's religion. Yes, Bush and those Al Queda assholes. I wish we could put all our tyranical leaders and all those fanatical fucks into a room and watch the ensuing cock-fight.
One of the soldiers was a year older than me and one was a year younger than me. So it gets to me when I find out that in the line of doing their job they were kidnapped and gleefully eviscerated by some fundementalist, self-righteous son of a bitch because our presidents cronies bombed the shit out of some other assholes house. In other words, these two guys around my age were killed because a couple other people they've never met don't like each other.
And thats what it is. It's a game of who's got the bigger religious cock?! If cocksize were based on character all these evil, murderous pricks would be

EUNUCHS!

I long for a more peaceful world.

-Ciao

Just a Reminder...

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Just in case anyone forgot.

-Ciao

Damn! I look GooOWW!

Life is nonstop. Another one of my friends is getting married, still another is expecting their first child. I was walking and I suddenly felt this pain up my leg. Yes, I know the former have nothing to do with the latter but it just goes to show ya... Life is constantly throwing things you'll never expect.

And to think, an hour or two before all of that happened I was thinking about how good I looked in my new clothes today.

-Ciao

Jimmy Cracks Corn and I Don't Give a Sh....

Ever have one of those days where despite the best efforts of the world around you you're in a good mood? Thats me today. I loathe my job. Lost a bunch of money fixing my van. I'm single and have been for awhile. Despite all of that I feel happy, and no mood enhancing drugs are currently present either. Sometimes life is just odd as all get out.

-Ciao

This Is How You Remind Me....

I was going through my email account looking for an address of a friend I haven't spoken to in years and I came across a bunch of emails from a girlfriend from a lifetime ago. Out of pure curiosity I started reading a few. Most were short messages of I love you or apology type letters from afer a fight, yes we fought alot. After a couple I had to stop because I suddenly realized how much I miss having a girlfriend. I've been single for awhile now and it hasn't been too bad. Being single as we all know has it's ups and downs but I've honestly had way more "ups". However, after reading those emails I just miss the small things that happen everyday. I don't miss my Ex, not by any stretch of the imagination but I do miss being in a relationship. Lately, where I have wanted to date I haven't put much effort into it because I'm trying to concentrate on getting the financial stability ball rolling a bit. Now, though, I'm feel a stronger urge to date again.... Anyone know anyone?

-Ciao

Intelligent Design, No Wait! Design Intelligence!

Professionally speaking, I had a major thing happen this past week. I finished my first design comission. I was asked to design some panel displays for kidscommons. Those are the things when you go to fairs or whatever that sit on tables and tell about whatever the person is marketing. Like those big cardboard things kids use in science fairs. You get it. So I really got dicked as far as pay, and I'm none to happy about it. Basically I got rewarded more work hours for my efforts. In a practical sense that means more money but I still have to work for it. Kind of a shit reward. None the less the pride and sense of accomplishment I have helps get over the other short comings. Whats weird is I actually kind of enjoyed doing it. I've never been into graphic design. Corporate shit in general makes me sick. It makes me think republican, yuck! That being said I've been inspired to maybe persue more design projects to give myself some other sources of revenue. On the other hand I want to keep it to a minimum, I don't want to end up in a job where I lose my feel of art as opposed to design.

-Ciao

Not To Be Confused With...

...Pixar's Cars of which I have no opinion.

but

Car's Suck.
We are too dependent on them as a source of transportation. The very nature of a car is that of a place of isolation. Gas is too expensive. This is my professional unbiased opinion.
My personal opinion is much the same with the addition of cars being too expensive to fix. I bring this up because I dropped $800 to fix the breaks on my car for the second time in less than a year. This is the second time in less than a year that my car has taken me out of being financially stable into "Oh Fuck!" territory. Side effects of living in Oh Fuck include missing a good friend's grad party. Thats COLLEGE grad party. Also, I was going to take part in a bit of luxury and get myself a tattoo finally. I know, I know! These are superficial concerns and I should just be happy that no real damage was done to my car or my body for that matter.
That being said.... well, cars suck. I'm gonna ride the city bus.

Buses rock.

-Ciao

And Then...

I get hugged, yelled at, glared at, thanked, and even painted while doing my job. I get along with most of the people I work for except the people who can tell me what to do. Some days I really wanna quit, but mostly because I need more money. However, sometimes it's worth it...
There was a woman who came in with her kids. This lady whose been in before kept leaving to talk on the phone and everytime she came back she looked even more upset. At one point she sat down and started cupping her eyes with her hands. I walked up and put a box of tissues in front of her. She smiled a bit. several hours later when leaving she stopped by the desk and nodded her head in thanks. I told her that I hope whatever it was works out for the best. She teared up and thanked me with a huge smile. It had been a shit filled day.

-Ciao

People Make My Brain Itch.

It's troubling to have a friend who is about to make a huge mistake. It's even more troubling when you've spoken to that friend and tried to persuade them otherwise. The icing is when they say they "know what they're doing" and decide to continue you on for the sake of making a mistake. So my mistake, I mean having a threesome with two of her friends. If Ms. Brown reads this please reconsider, don't be a complete moron. I'm all about breaking one's sexual boundries but a threesome with two of your best friends especially these friends will only end in awkwardness and depression of our subject. She WILL regret it. And I just don't get it because she knows how depressed she gets. Well I hope I'm wrong.

-Ciao

Oh Shut Up, It's FICTION!

So the Da Vinci code was good. Despite the fact that I was with someone who begged my attention most of the way through the movie, it was enjoyable. Now I admit I have not read the book, and thank goodness. It would have spoiled the ending for me. *grins* It is too bad that uptight christians the world over can't get past their chronic defensiveness about some minor, made up blasphemy and embrace the movie for it's strong message of faith in God. It's like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade in that respect. Then again thats the problem with the world isn't it, people are quick to jump to conclusions about things they know nothing about and thus learn to hate them. Thank goodness for curiosity.

-Ciao

I Speak The Truth, They Kick My Ass.

I don't usually post so frequently but this is my blog!

It's no mystery to anyone that female-related drama and myself go together like spring-breakers and morning after pills. Even given my sorted history with the fairer sex I've managed to piss off so many women in the last week that it blows my mind. The one thing that each incident had in common with the other was that I was being honest to them about something completely mundane. Tonight being the most unarguably ridiculous.

She got pissed at me over a conversation about a cell phone. Forget the details, it's a cell phone not a pro-life pro-choice debate! Well in talking with the one person I can count on in these odd circumstances we decided that my deal is that I live in the podunk bible belt, and that I'm incompatable with 90% of women here because I'm a city boy at heart. Hey clarity can be good but it's also kind of sad. If odds weren't bad enough for me for finding a nice girl to fall in love with now I've gotta discount 90% of the market. No wonder I've been single for 2 years. I'm a sucker for challenges I guess...

*Oh and a special shout out to fellow Blogger and all 'round random writer:
Wayne Allen Sallee


-Ciao

Of Showers and Tagging

I've been on such a dead streak lately with any artistic doings. I just don't have motivation for anything anymore. Day in day out I go to my lame job and then come home to sleep. That is until my sister got home from Uni. She was showing me pictures of graffiti in Charlston, SC. One of the tags I really liked, it said " Showers are for dirty people." So I dropped my concern with "laws" and started tags like that around downtown Columbus. Slowly I find my artistic inspiration returning. Sadly, work has left me exhausted for the past week so I haven't been able to take advantage of this musing. More later...

-Ciao

Lovely Internets

Ya know, we live in interesting times. Sometimes I feel so connected to the whole world through my personal use of technology. I cross-use my iPod, laptop and a few websites like Wikipedia all the time. It's just an odd feeling. Earlier I started out a search on google looking for some ideas for my next couple Art Projects here at the museum and less than 20 minutes later after some link traveling I ended up on a San Franciscan's blog looking at his flickr account. Yes, I AM easly side-tracked but thats not my point. Having so much culture and experience a few clicks away is an awesome thing.

-Ciao

Two Awesome Things...

1. Christopher Walken

2. Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven

....combined you get a gem of recorded sound.

-Ciao

People Are Always Asking If I Know Tyler Durden

Meeting someone new is a very curious thing. We pass by, or come in contact with hundreds of people everyday, but meeting someone can sometimes change your life in ways you never realize until it's too late.
Tonight, came in contact with two completely different people under very different circumstances.
The first was in Steak and Shake. This guy was either naturally very friendly or not all there upstairs to whatever capacity. He just kept saying hi how are you to ever living soul who came within a ten feet of him. He would try and strike up a conversation with said person until the next person walked in. I was in a rut at the time so I couldn't not properly appreciate the man's kindness.
The second came as I was walking into target after I had my dinner. There was a dude walking out of target wearing what looked like runner's shorts and a jersey, both were red and so that struck me as well. He also looked like he was carved out of wood with his muscle tone. as I was walking past he stopped and said "Nice shoes, I like them." He had a high raspy voice. And odd encounter by all accounts. memorable none the less. I haven't recieved a compliment in some time, certainly not from a stranger. Given my lack of friendly contact lately these two people really stuck out to me today. However, I will more than likely forget about them in the next few days. Such is life.
I had one friend in Columbus, until 4 days ago. I only met her through my job and only really became friends with her after she quit. We had a sexual relationship going. it was strange and based on a lie. That lie being that she was in it only for the sex. It was faulty and exploded in my face. I'm having a hard time coping with the loss. I didn't know her all that long, so why do I feel like I just got dumped? I was in it for the sex but also the companionship. It's a funny thing meeting people.... you never know how much they will effect your life. This girl, the most profound way she changed my life in the present was remind me just how lonely life can be. Thanks for that.

-Ciao

Diversion

Insulting Amory Brown


Yesterday, I insulted Amory Brown
I did,she was my friend
and I let her down.

She was the quiet sort
her thoughts consumed her minutes
observing but never talking.
I'm sorry Amory Brown.

She would often recite
"I don't know"
But Amory Brown knew
She just didn't like questions

Isolated by design
Amory Brown didn't have friends
being alone brought terror
nope, she had letters.

Transcending written Intent
I bulldozed solitude
ended up inside
then I knew Amory Brown

Souls differ from magnets
Those unalike, repel
Amory Brown was polarized North
I am very southern.

it's been said of Amory Brown
getting close is asking to be pushed
I got inside
And wasn't so much pushed but launched

She prospers in her deepest fears
writing to no one and no where
For us, none remain but a few pages
Because I insulted Amory Brown.

Groan Inaudibly If You <3 Zombies!

Comics are good for the soul and bad for the bank account but somehow it all evens out in the end. So I dropped an unwise amount of my hard earned wages on multiple collections of sequencial art in the last 24 hours. Got myself totally hooked on one hell of a Zombie story. played catch up on some other series that had holes in my collection and picked up some new stuff that just plain rocks. At comic the comic shop http://www.alteregocomics.net/homepage.html there was a signing and a sidewalk sale going on. And with my partner in all things geek I went to talk, buy, bitch about, and browse comics. It was truly and excellent time. Tonight the geekery continues with Ben off playing some Star Wars RPG and me blazing through the trades to catch-me-up on the "Walking Dead". Yeah I read the first 3 which accounts for the first 18 issues. If you have any interest in comics, zombies or, god love you, both pick up these books they are incredible (if you like all those things and are a single woman in your mid 20's we should hook-up).

-Ciao

It Was Passed, Deceased, Bereft of Life, An Ex-Fish!

You know whats fun? Dead fish. Why? Because females of all ages are terrified or disgusted to the core just by the sight of one and males of all ages totally dig grossing the girls out. I realize this makes me, what, four? I had fun though, because all of the ladies I work with were squirming from a fish in the Museum's Aquarium that had moved on from this mortal coil. They drafted me to get it out and give it an unceremonial burial in the porceline-lined lake of La Toileta. But before I did that I had to give the poor thing a New Orleans styled Funeral march around the museum succeeding in thoroughly mortifying young children and adults alike. Don't judge me because I get bored.

-Ciao

Yet Again.

Everyone has really great friends. The ones that get you, the ones that you can talk to at the spur of the moment and will have wanted to talk to you about the same thing. The story of my life is that I have either moved away from them or had them move away from me.

Now I've written about this sort of thing before on my last Blog but I made the mistake of saying I felt like I didn't have any friends thus insulting the ones I actually did have. The reality of life is that I have what I call "Single Purpose" friends. Everyone has these as well. I have friends for art stuff, friends for nostalgia purposes, friends at work, friends for geeky stuff, and until recently a friend for sex. The problem is that these friends are exclusively for those things and those friends who could be more live somewhere else. So here in town all I have is my "work friends". We're friendly at work basically because we have to be. No one wants to not be friendly with their co-workers it makes work more work. Right? I couldn't hang out with them outside of work mostly because their older and married and all that. The others are just too different from me in all the ways that would matter. I'm comfortable with all that. At the end of the day though I go home and do very little if anything. See, I'd be sad about it all but I've become so used to this that I've become callous to the idea of making new friends. I just don't feel like making the effort. Recent events that brought on this post have made me even more so. I guess the good news is that I get to visit some of my friends this coming weekend, so for a few days I can forget all about the the ideas presented previously.

-Ciao

Pro-ness

On Professionalism.

Professionalism is of course a relative term. Most would say it's an attitude. In a sleepy town like Columbus, Indiana it's an image. Three-piece suits, ties, shiny shoes... for men anyway. In a professional setting one is expected to be polite, articulate, responsive, and insightful. You should have a clean look to you, respectable. I agree with most of this. Thats why it's nice to be in a position where I'm regarded equally with all of my co-workers, above and below, despite the fact that exercise my individuality through outward appearance. I'm not looked down upon for wearing my bright orange Adidas Sala soccer shoes, or having a bandana wrapped around my wrist, and certainly not for having my increasingly famous fauxhawk. I'm not bragging, just making an observation, but it's just perfect for me to be just as successful as some guy somewhere who has to where uncomfortable suits everyday. Professionalism? I am very professional, I earn my way through merit not how I look. Professionalism? I don't want to be Donald Trump's next sycophantic stooge. The best thing about being an artist is people almost expect you to be different. It's not always a good thing, but it works none the less. Power to the individuals, who instead of complying with society seek to makes changes, if ever in small ways to forever change the way we percieve the world.

-Ciao

I Need/Want You.

Two years ago when I bought my cell phone I didn't care about features, I just wanted a phone that could work from my apartment. I wanted performance. Well, since then I've found my calling. I've immersed myself into geek culture. Comic books, video games, D&D, and of course new technologies. That said, I want one kick-ass phone. Recently, my digital camera died after 4 years of loyal service. So I decided my next phone should have a decent camera in it to, in a way, save money. My last phone had a camera but it was one of the first camera phones so the quality was crap. Newer camerafones not only improve upon my old phone but on my old camera as well. There are a couple phones I'm in love with.... but they're all too expensive. So I'll keep on looking.

-Ciao

Relate This Punk!

Relationships are a serious pain in the ass! I have a strained relationship with my parents mostly because still live with them. I have a strained relationship with those I call my friends because I hardly ever see them. And then there's romance which is strained simply because it lacks a little thing called EXISTENSE.

Yes, as we all know relationships with those we like/love are the biggest pains in the ass. People we don't like or don't care about are easy to deal with because we forget about them or ignore them. Over. Done. Kaput.

A good friend of mine is going through a bitch of a time due to a few laspes in Judgement. I can't say more because it would narrow down just which of my friends with issues I'm talking about. I will say this, time will tell them that I was right!

Recently, I allowed myself to fall into an atypical sort of relationship. I took on the ever controversial "fuck-buddy". Yeah it's over now and was good while it lasted. It was un-needed drama as I well knew it would be and was warned to the point of annoyment by friends and confidants. Hey, shit happens. No one got hurt, we're still friends, happy ending.

My advice: Don't buy a gallon of milk a week past it's experation date.

-Ciao

Thats My Mo' Faux!

3 years ago I tried something different. Something that some would say was a bit extreme. I gave myself a Mohawk. I loved it right away. A lot of others loved it as well. All the doubters, concerned friends' eyes were opened. It looked good and not trashy. After 3 months I cut it off just because it was cold outside. Years later I miss it. I avoided getting it again because now that I'm out of school and have a job at a relatively respectable place I figured it would be...errr... professional. Recently, I was told by one of the senior staff of the museum I work at that she though it would be great if I did it again. I was convinced. Lots of arm pulling there... So I'm bringing it back, right now my hair is too short so I'm doing the whole, controvercial, fauxhawk thing.
I never used to like them before. Soccer God David Beckham helped change my mind some. These days I love the style. I don't know why. It's an odd mix of punk and just messiness. Some might even say it's more conservative.

Not me, but some. The ladies do tend to take more notice though. Thats never a bad thing.

-Ciao

Brokeback Bitch (ing)

Annie Proulx the writer of the book that "Brokeback Mountain" is based on is a whiney, sore loser. And, I emphasize the the "Loser" part. Apparently she wrote an article in response to the loss of Brokeback lashing out at other studios and film makers. She even called Crash trash. Ya know, for a movie/book that was supposed to spread to help encourage open mindedness, she sure is acting like a republican on this issue. Get over it, your movie lost. Everyone knows the Oscars are overly political but that doesn't mean that the movie based on your movie was better. In this writer's opinion, it wasn't and I'm completely unbiased.

-ciao

Life Support

As a species it's only been natural for us to become dependant on the things we've created. The early humans relied heavily on fire, later electricity and today.... high speed internet.

Last night our service got interupted by who knows what. I found myself lost and disoriented like I'd lost my vision or hearing. Yeah, I'm now seeing how sad that is, but hind-sight is 20/20 as they say.

-Ciao

The Funniest Picture I've Seen in a While

How cool is this guy?!
picture from http://www.snakeriverconspiracy.com.

I <3 Blair Butler

Thursdays rock. Don't argue because they do.

Today is the day before payday, the day survivor comes on, and the day that Blair Butler's Fresh Ink comes on G4tv's Attack of the Show. Woot! For those not in the know, Blair Butler talks about comics in her own little segment of a tech/videogames/pop culture show, AOTS. http://www.g4tv.com/attackoftheshow/index.html
Anyway, Blair is a one cool lady! She's comic nerd, a writer for one of the coolest channels around, she's gorgeous, and turns out she's really funny too. I saw on her website http://www.tinysadrobot.com that she does stand-up. It would be awesome for dudes like me if there were more her's around. The Picture below was taken from her website. Please don't sue, Blair. We're all fans here.

enjoy.

-Ciao

It's the New Original.

Blogs are funny things, yeah? I mean they're personal aren't they? They should reflect one's....self I suppose. Well my last one I had how it was, where it was because all my friends at the time had their's on the same site. It served it's purpose for the time. Now, I'm graduated, I'm looking for my own way, man. I've been making lots of changes lately. Redefining who I am on every level I can. A new blog was a logical next step.

Anyway, if you're wondering about the blog title, code 314 refers to the police scanner code that stands for Indecent Exposure. Now I whole heartedly agree that that would have made a cliche blog title, even though I liked the idea of it. Thats why I chose that. So there it is, here I am. lets begin...

...with the end.

-Ciao