All I Want For Christmas

"I don't want a lot for Christmas,
There's just one thing I need.
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree.
I just want you for my own.
More than you could ever know."

I have that song from "Love Actually" in my head hard core! If I were to concentrate on the emotions I was having for most of the day then I'd have to say this Christmas sucked. However, looking back it was the best Christmas of my adult life so far. First of all The negativity today started when I got a new GPS for my car as a gift from the Rents and realized I couldn't use it because the cig lighter in my van was not functioning. Things snowballed emotionally from there. However I did not let on to the fam about most of it. That being said I ROCKED... no I RAWKED the gift giving this year. For the first time ever I truly enjoyed and was even excited by the giving of gifts this year. I mean it was just awesome. I put so much thought and care and creativity into gifts this year that I can't help a certain amount of sinful pride! I got each of my family members 2 gifts. I gave them all something unique to them and then the second was the same for all of them. They seemed to be a hit! The gifts I got were great too! "Let It Be" pajamas, a Yellow Submarine ornament, a Zombie Christmas Carol book, and a few others were just the tops! Oh! Also a lot of chocolate. Mom takes pride in her chocolate giving, and the stuff we got is the best stuff you can get.
After the initial gifting, and discounting the aforementioned negativity, the day was lazy and fairly relaxing. Mom made an awesome eggs, bacon, and fruit salad breakfast. I was back and forth trying to get laundry done, a show downloaded, and also trying to fix the cig-lighter in my van to no success. The I kind of settled into the could to watch a few movies. First was "Run Fat Boy Run!" which was awesome, Simon Pegg is one of my favorite comedians in movies, he always does such an excellent job! Then right after that we watched "The Golden Compass" which is mediocre as far as epic adventure films go but the cast is so enjoyable in it's own right with 2 of the finest Thespians alive today, Ian McKellan and Christopher Lee! After that was over we had dinner, which though subdued was still an excellent meal. The rest of my night was spent dealing with issues but it has left me now with excitement for things to come.
Today, (it has officially been the day after Christmas for 9 minutes now) I'm going with my family to see Sherlock Holmes. My family is big into literature in our own ways. Mom and Dad are vociferous readers, where as Lizzi and I are just very cultured casual readers. Lizzi being WAY more casual than I, and that's saying something! Holmes is a huge classic literary icon so the movie is something we all can appreciate. I believe my sister is also leaving tomorrow to join her boyfriend at his parents' house for New Years, so spending time with her is also a big motivation.
That would be another bog way this year has been so much better than previous years. I've been able to hang out with my dear and lovely sister. Last year I barely saw her and it seems we see each other less and less. This year however I think we made a bigger point of hanging out. Even though I don't think we're as close... or maybe just as involved as other sibling pairings I know of, I miss her often. When she first went off to college I started thinking about how she's going to be my family longer than anyone if everyone lives out a natural life. After Mom and Dad are gone, and sadly they will be one day, She'll hopefully still be there. I love my sister so much.
Anyway, stores will be back open tomorrow which means I might just be able to get my van fixed a little more. I'm hoping that all I need to do is buy a new fuse and my cig-lighter will be functional again which means I'll be able to use that awesome GPS device!
Finally, I spent a great deal of time thinking about, and a little bit of time, talking to Courtney. She stubbornly fought to bring me out of my funk, but more so force me to look at life from another angle. She's responsible for my current state of mind... well not responsible, but she can definitely take credit for changing my perspective. I hope she knows that her friendship is more meaningful than any gift... even an awesome Star Trek play-set! Thanks Courtney!

"Make my wish come true.
All I want for Christmas is you."

-S-

Merry Christmas (War Is Over)

"A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear "

Okay, so I think it's time to write about the holidays. If You want it...

This time of year, just before Thanksgiving, and through New Years Day is a strange and wonderful time. People start talking about the "Reason for the Season" and it being the "Most Wonderful Time of the Year!" For me, in reality it's a time of year that has a lot of expectations and rarely delivers. I enter into every holiday season with a certain amount of trepidation. See, I know how much I love the spirit of Christmas, it's got a weird child-like spectacle that has never left my soul. However, the wonder and amazement that were there when I was a kid never fully manifest. Hmm... let me rewind.
First allow me to describe the Dempsey Christmas! Actually I don't have much to say... Pretty traditional really! We'd wake up early Christmas Morning open presents, after which Mom would fix a nice breakfast for us all. After which some people might go back to sleep. Mostly just dad. In later years it seemed to get earlier and earlier when Liz and Mom would come in and wake me up. Dad and I would find common ground in trying to resist the waking. I began to think my sister and mother were crazy. I later figured, Diz wasn't even going to sleep. Yeah, that's about how it went since I could remember up to and including last year.
In the year 2000 I was a freshman at East Carolina University. I spent Thanksgiving with My Aunt Helen and Uncle Bob in Atlanta. It was the first time I spent a major holiday away from my immediate family. I was pretty miserable. I love my Aunt and Uncle but they are very very very devout Catholic and I was not. They also were very old fashioned and I was not. I honestly felt like I was 7 years-old and being baby sat. It was an incredibly boring couple of days and I was perfectly glad when it was over. It was also important because it was my first time away from school and thus the first time I missed my friends at school! When Christmas break came around a few weeks later I was overwhelmed with joy to finally be visiting back home in Indiana. Probably the most excited I'd ever been to get back home... certainly in Indiana. Here enters my first ever Christmas time let-down. My parents literally picked me up from the Airport and dropped me off at home. I spent the first 24 hours home from University, alone. It was odd to say the least. That would also be the first time I met Grizzy, my mom's cat. I didn't have a car, or cell phone at the time. I didn't know people's phone numbers. It was a long night. The rest of the break had it's ups and downs. However by the time Christmas rolled around I was finding I had trouble relating to old friends and simply looking forward to getting back to school to be around my new ones. I will always remember it because it was the first time I ever disproportionately did NOT enjoy the holidays.
Sadly, it only got worse. My sophomore year I transferred to Ball State University. I was closer to home, and I had a Girlfriend. She was VERY close with her family, something I was finding more and more that I was not. That year, tragedy had struck the country and that particular holiday season held with it a certain amount of sorrow. I remember the grief I had over 9/11 and how much interest I poured into The first Harry Potter movie that came out that year. That along with the Lord of the Rings movie were to be the highlights of my break. I was noticing just how dispersed my family had become. My sister now well within high school had a very busy social life and the Rents seemed to have developed new interests as well. Until Marie came and visited me that year I found myself very lonely again. By this time my old high school friends were either busy with new high school social groups or busy visiting family being back from college themselves. Okay maybe lonely isn't the right word... it was more disappointment. Yeah! I was disappointed because I expected to feel happier to be home and in the familiar. Compared to Marie's family which was so warm and welcoming of her return, mine was cool and lackadaisical. It was then that I had the mission to make sure the next year would be better.
The year 2002.
It was the year that debuted Avril Lavigne, George Harrison died, and Emo music really started to get a foot hold in popular culture. I know that's all music based but... well that my barometer for the past. The music that was happening. In other words... it was a dark time! Marie and I had broken up and gotten back together only very shortly before Christmas Break started. So I was needing to my time home in the Bus to be more than just a period of relaxation. I needed the family closeness and spirit of Christmas to fill my soul! See 2002 was also the year that I decided to make a very personal attempt to try and regain my religion. In the summer of 2001 I decided to stop going to church because of a few people who had shown me the negative side of Christianity. So that year I was kinda lost, I'd been depressed for the first real time ever and didn't like what I was feeling. I searched for answers every where. The church seemed like one of the best places. I started going to Saint Francis of Assisi Catholic church was very close to campus, with a few friends. When I got home my Mother was VERY happy to know that I'd picked it back up. During Christmas there was the same distance between my family. It wasn't negative, just everyone doing their own thing, even more so than the previous year. So remembering the previous year began planning family activities. Yeah... me! lol Movies, shopping trips, dinner, and whatever else I could come up with. I let my parents know what I was thinking and they were mostly game for it. Dizzy however had her own agenda and usually opted out at the last minute. In the end though, it still felt forced and fake. I drove up to Huntington to visit with Marie and again, by comparison it all felt so different. I returned home for a few more days before break was ended and it couldn't end soon enough by that point.
The next couple years had a few improvements because of one very simple life-altering amendment. Spring of 2003 my sister totalled my Isuzu Trooper. I loved that fucking car and it was no more. As compensation Mom gave me her Dodge Caravan (yep the van I currently drive) and I demanded the ability to take my car to school with me. Mostly because I wanted a vehicle there but also because there, Dizzy could wreck the damned thing. lol So, I had a car that year for school which meant I left for Break when I wanted! I waited until the very last moment before the dorms closed to go home. No sooner was I home, and I was at the movies, or visiting friends, or in Greenwood Christmas Shopping, or whatever! The point was, I was out of the house as much as possible! The family void was still there but it's effects were diminished by my own absence form the house. It was a GREAT improvement! the next year it only got better because then I was in my first apartment and didn't even have to leave! I didn't even come home that year until Christmas Eve. The freedom I experienced that year was unparalleled. I was basically only home for Christmas that year. I think I left a day or 2 later. The down side comes when the Ice Storm of 2004 hit Muncie and forced me back to my Parent's house because of the lack of power. I couldn't want to get home more though. That was also the first year I started referring to that house as "My Parent's House" rather than "Home."
The years that followed graduation have been up and down. They weren't really ever spectacular because for awhile there I was living back at the Rents' house and it was just kinda there. Even last Christmas when I wasn't even living there I still stayed there as a favor to my borders. To be perfectly fair though... last year's felt a lot closer then Christmas has in quite some time. I not only got to appreciate my sister being home, but I celebrated with friends and a certain special someone for the first time. It was a nice feeling buying presents for people other than family whom I cared about.
This year promises to be better still! I feel like this, at the age of 27, will be my first true adult Christmas. I am truly out of the Rents' House for good and most importantly that will mean I won't have to get up before the crack of dawn because my Sister and Mother are truly psychotic! That fact alone excites me about Christmas this year. Though, I know my Mom and I just know when it comes down to it, she's going to make me promise to come over early to open gifts and I'll agree because...it's mom. Sigh.
So I guess a final thought would be that the holidays SUCK! They suck because they make you spend a lot of time and money on things you wouldn't otherwise spend them on... like family and friends! Oh wait... maybe that's a good thing?! See I don't think these holidays endure because some Uptight Europeans got hungry once and were fed by the future-impoverished and neglected denizens of the Americas, or because a Middle-Eastern Chick accidentally had a baby before having sex. I think these holidays endure because they force us take part in the sometimes awkward tradition of family. They make us stop working long enough to enjoy some time with our friends and spend money on people other than ourselves. That... might be the ACTUAL "Reason for the season", and, THAT makes it the "Most wonderful time of the year."

"...And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun..."

-S-

In My Life

"There are places I'll remember all my life..."

Everyone knows I love the Beatles. It's basically a fact of life. The sky is blue, water is wet, cash rules, and Seann loves the Beatles. I've been asked more than a few times about my own personal Beatle-mania. I think it's weird when people don't like the Beatles. Their impact not just on music, but popular culture is everywhere! I like them because there is a song in their catalogue for any occasion; I mean how many other bands have a popular birthday song besides the traditional boring one? Yeah, none! So I'm happy that my own personal history can be soundtracked by the greatest rock'n'roll band in all of history!

First off let me say my parents raised me on three things discipline, art, and good music. Mom and Dad always had the oldies station going on every trip we ever took, be it to the grocery store down the street or on one of our MANY vacations/ trips to visit relatives. I was raised on a fantastic blend of Rock'n'Roll and Motown. Growing up, I loved the Temptations, Janice Joplin, and of course a healthy dose of the King! However, I have a vivid memory of a trip back from Myrtle Beach where I first heard the song "Eleanor Rigby". I loved the sound, and the chorus of "All the lonely people, where do they all come from?" stuck in my head even as a child. I remember asking my mom later that day if she liked the new band called the Beatles. I remember the argument that followed, because I couldn't accept that because I hadn't heard their music before that, therefore they must not have existed. My concept of time then was if I hadn't heard of it before then it was new. I was four years old.
The next couple years that followed didn't yield much in the way of musical revelation. I didn't own my own boom box or radio so my musical exposure was limited to the car radio and mom's kitchen radio in the morning during breakfast before school. I always perked up a bit when I heard the Beatles. One morning that sticks out in memory, "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" was playing and I remembered the chorus for the rest of the day. I remembered singing it in class and getting chastised by my first grade teacher because it,” was about drugs and drugs are BAD!" As a deep thinking kid I was very perplexed at the idea that a happy sounding song being about something that was bad. Lucy sounded happy. After all we were taught strangers will give you drugs and strangers want to hurt you and take your from your family. Perplexed indeed.

I don't remember how old I was, but I was very young when I first remember being touched by the death of a celebrity. I remember as a kid, it must have been December 8th; there was a story on the radio talking about anniversary of the death of John Lennon. I asked my mom why she was sad. She told me that he was a Beatle who had been murdered. The radio host mentioned his wife Yoko, and his son Sean. When I heard MY name on the radio, I remember being very sad that a kid with the same name as me had lost his Dad.

The year was Anno Domini Nineteen Hundred and Ninety One and I was beginning to enter a time of musically meandering youth. While I still had the steady influx of Oldies from the family car radio, I was rebelling against what wasn't "cool." Nothing the Rents' enjoyed could possibly be cool. Right? Right. That year I received a couple birthday presents. First was a boom box that I could play my new tapes on. Take a moment if you need to giggle over your memories of tapes. I was gifted 3 tapes, A brand spankin' new New Kids On The Block album, M.C. Frickin' Hammer, and a mix tape dad made me of classic rock. Now the first two I damn near wore out from over playing, the third I listened to because I knew it would make Dad happy. There were 2 songs on the mix that I liked and would listen to when nobody was around. "Come Together" which sounded an awful lot like a Michael Jackson song from "MoonWalker" and a really weird song called "All Along The Watchtower."
Later that year, for X-mas, my family received a present that would change my life as I knew it... our first NINTENDO! I also got my first game, the first game in a series that would also be a major part of my entertainment life growing up. "Final Fantasy" consumed me. I always loved the wizards and dragons theme of fantasy having grown up with a father and godfather who played Dungeons and Dragons. I really enjoyed the music of the game as well, which were more than the annoying blips, bloops, and bleeps that my parents heard, there was one castle theme in particular I enjoyed. There was a very familiar harmony to the main Melody. A digitalized violin part that I knew very well... Unfortunately I wouldn't figure it out until many years later, but that theme quickly became my favorite music to listen to in the game.

The Beatles were mostly absent for the next 14 years of my life. They showed up here and there, usually on the radio, TV, or a cover band that played in Columbus every summer. However, this was a time I was coming into my own musically. I would discover bands like Metallica, Garbage, Aerosmith, and Linkin Park. Not to mention a very long period where I was exclusively listening to Rap and R&B. Tupac, Dr. Dre, Boys2Men, TLC, Coolio, and the physically perfect Toni Braxton dominated my headphones. In 1995 Mr. Holland's Opus came out, and being in the band at the time, it was an event! In the film John Lennon's death is referenced and kind of took me back to when I first heard about it and I went home that day and listened to my dad's vinyl Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band album. The album that "Lucy In The Sky" is on. In 1998 one of the most amazing Beatles cover albums came out. "In My Life" was an Album compiled by Sir George Martin that covered some of the more popular Beatles songs by various celebrities like Jim Carrey, Goldie Hawn, Robin Williams, and of course Sean Connery!!! I still love this album to this day and listen to tracks from it often.

"GET DOWN FROM THERE!"

The next time Beatles music came up would be 2001 when the film "I Am Sam" came out. The soundtrack consisting completely of covered Beatles songs. The girlfriend of the time listened to it nonstop and when I stayed at her apartment I'd often fall asleep to it. Later that year George Harrison would die from cancer, I remember the newspaper clippings my dad had around the house once when I visited from college. The most notable was a cartoon of George's Guitar Crying. I found a copy of The White Album and listened to "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" about a million times. It is to this day in my top 5 favorite Beatles songs.

When 2006 came around, it was a year of a LOT of change. Let's start off with the small fact that since I graduated from Ball State University to much lack of fanfare there was a big hole in my life. When I moved back home with my parents I had a decided lack of friends. I found a lot of company in the music I listened to. I was in a state of purgatory musically though and I didn't realize it until months later when I started dating a girl named Chelsi. The infamous Chelsi opened my world to many new things most notably tattoos, piercings, and lots of music! One night she told me she found an awesome cover I had to listen to of one of her favorite songs. The band was called "gODHEAD" and the song was Eleanor Rigby. It actually isn't a bad cover at all I enjoyed. This launched us into a big discussion of how much she loved the Beatles and how I grew up with them. So given that at the time I was a musical sponge (not that much has changed in that respect) I decided to dig out all of Dad's vinyls and relisten to the Beatles. My friend Alex supplied me with a cd that contained ever single Beatles album... except "Let It Be" which is odd... but Dad had that one on cd so it was cool. I started listening to the Beatles everyday, all the time. I enjoyed the memories like reconnecting with old friends, friends who'd been around since I was a kid.

One day I was replaying my old Final Fantasy game when I got to that one castle I always like the music for. I heard that familiar harmony again. I knew those violins!!!! It was the same harmony from Eleanor Rigby! I researched the composer and despite being raised and educated in Japan he was a huge fan of the Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, and the Rolling Stones. My love for that game and the Beatles was only made more fanatical at this point! I so dig the very strange parallel to 2 of my most favorite childhood things.

I had officially rediscovered the Beatles! The timing could not have been better either as later that year a new Cirque Due Soleil Show came out in Las Vegas entitled "Love." I was a minor fan of Cirque but the idea of a Cirque show with a Beatles soundtrack was mind-blowing. The Album came out and I listened to it everyday for months! I was completely hooked. I had childhood memories, modern enjoyment and the best was still to come. The fact that there are literally millions of people the world over that feel the same way about the Beatles connected me with others. I went on a date with a girl in the summer of 2007 and on our way to the Bartholomew County Fairgrounds she picked up my ipod to choose some music. She chose a song from the Beatles "1" album that I wasn't really into and rarely listened to. However, I now love the song "Paperback Writer" and will eternally associate the song with Courtney. Also in 2007 as a birthday present from my parents, I received The Beatles Anthology DVD collection. Not only was I now a fan but I KNEW the Beatles themselves. Being a history buff I enjoyed the world spanning history of the band and was re-educated on just how great they really were/are!

In the years since, I have followed the Beatles religiously. I have my times when I listen to something else. I'm still ravenous for new music, but I have a few constants and the Beatles are definitely tops. I've subscribed pretty heavily to the message of their music, that message being peace and love. I've become a pacifist, and John Lennon is a personal hero to that effect. It's just my opinion that they are an all around consistent and positive band.... or they were! There isn't a day that goes by anymore that I don't listen to a few songs by the Beatles. My room, my apartment, and even my office are adorned with Beatles memorabilia. Even my favorite comedian played Mr. Kite in "Across The Universe!" Most of my best friends are fans themselves and their music can often provide a soundtrack to our time together. They are just so heavily intertwined in my life; it would be weird if I didn't like them!

So there you have it. I think the best thing about this is this isn't an explanation of something that once was. This is only a summation of my own personal 27 years of life experience with their music. They were popular 20 years before I existed and will continue to be popular long after I've decided to stop being immortal." Though I know I'll never lose affection for people and things that went before, I know I'll often stop and think about them..."

"In my life, I've loved them all."

-S-

You.

You're frustrated and lonely.
You miss what you can't have.
You wanna talk to whom won't listen.
You don't want to think because it makes you weak.
You don't want to long because it's forbidden.
You don't want to feel because those feelings betray you every time and hurt you just as consistantly.
You hear it's call.
You see it coming.
You feel it's presence.
And all you really ever wanted was for it all to go back when you were happy for that brief moment in time when...
You thought everything was right.

-S

So I Was Thinkin'

It'll never be apparent to a parent of this mess
You and I are the proud procreators of all that lovely stress.

You were never bound by laws to which I submit.
I gave in and you pushed aside rather than commit.

The struggle ended with your blaming all of YOU on ME.
I stopped worrying and let go because you weren't my property.

The wonder and the doubt are still easily provoked...
But an unkind text or message make them easily revoked.

My friends they say you're crazy and really freakin' rude.
They tell me to ... Fuck it! Nevermind I'm just not in the mood.

Too much time and effort were wasted on your shit.
I told you we shouldn't talk, so fuck off a little bit.

I need to think and work on, whats fucked up in my head
So that I don't feel so bad when you say what you said.

I still care a lot for you, but on that you shouldn't dwell,
Cuz if you keep this up, then you can go to hell.

-S

"You Gave Me The Word, I Finally Heard."

"Me used to be an angry young man
Me hiding me head in the sand"

I don't know how to blog anymore. I've basically lost my ability to write. I haven't really written anything of consequence in so long that I feel I've lost my voice. That in itself is discouraging especially when I have so much to say. I want to go off about how unhappy my life has been and how I'm on this personal quest to discover why and how I can fix it. I feel almost obligated to broadcast my ideas, not for some exaggerated sense of self-importance but more because I believe in the advice of my friends and loved ones. I think in life we have an opportunity to learn something from everyone we meet and that the smartest people we all know are the people who have taken time to learn that lesson and take advantage of it. So here goes...

After Freckles and I split I slowly came to the conclusion that everything I'd heard was correct and that I need to clarify my standing in this world and find a sense of self... or something metaphysical like that... I dunno. LOL This is definitely one of those ideas that is perfectly clear in my head but difficult to find the words to express outside of my skull. ...at least concisely ;-)

*Awkward Pause*

So yeah, uh, what makes me happy? That's a better way to look at it, I think. Rather than have a massive discussion in a blog about what depresses me... Yeah, that would be nice and Negative, ya reckon there ghostwriter? I sat down at first and I couldn't think of anything specifically that did actually bring a smile to my face. Then over the last 2 weeks that I've been thinking about it, things have started coming to mind. I like being involved in things. Granted, I'm never the sort to actively seek out something to get involved in so much of the good stuff out there has passed me by. Upon realizing this I've moved on to the question, what could I get involved in? Well what are my hobbies? Things I like to do? ART STUFF! MUSIC! FRIENDS! MOVIES! ROCK CLIMBING! Noodle Salad.

"But Seann, aren't you already doing that sort of thing through the shop?"
Yes, but that's more of a business thing and fairly irregular when it comes to my part. I'm looking for something that is a constant. Some kind of organization or activity that will allow me to really get into it and enjoy being actively involved. Something to look forward to. For the moment I'm working with my friend Dan who has set me up as a mentor for a senior project student at North High School. Her name is Jennifer and she's wanting to do a large mural exhibiting the intolerance of homosexuality. I thought the idea in it's basic form was awesome like many-a-hot dog and I'm looking forward to where she'll go with it.

I've also come to realize I want to take a more active role in my friend's lives. I've been very passive in my friendships lately and I've noticed that they've diminished because of it. I've been trying to reconnect with people. I've spent time with friends from college and high school, both, and it's been great! I've also been trying to strengthen my other friendships with my local crew and reestablish that closeness we used to have a summer ago.

Friends, as we all know, fill that super-important role in our lives as mentors, councilors, and objects of mirth! LOL Punkin I'm looking at you! I'm not saying I'd forgotten that, more just took it for granted and basically left my friendships unattended. Not-so-much anymore. I've seen the impact that being a good friend can have in life and I want to be that person for mine. Which brings me to my next topic...

A good friend of mine recently pointed out that I maybe guilty of some serious misappropriation of social concentration...errrr... she said I'm kind of self-centered in my worldly concerns and that they have a serious effect on my interpersonal relatability. Whale of a tale.. I know. My closer friends just kind of accept it about me but it may tend to drive those less able to put it aside, away, or maybe even cause me to make poor decisions on how to handle certain volatile social situations.... :-( Well, NO MORE! I've never intended my focus to be on me, it just comes off that way sometimes. So, again, I want to be more involved in the lives of those I care about, even if it means just a simple walk-n-talk. So far I've seen positive results.

Finally, I need to learn to stop worrying to fucking much! Seriously, I find myself dwelling over things I have no control over. Things that may or may not even have an effect on my life. Again, where that whole self-centered thinking comes in. I would love it if I could just go a day and not read into things. I'm working on it. I actively think less about things now. It doesn't always work but I have noticed that it contributes to my overall happiness for that day. ...and that IS the ultimate goal after it's all said and done. I just want to be a happier person. I'm not looking to be perky or anything just able to live a more stress-less life. I know that it's just a matter of learning to let go of things and to quote the greatest Rock Band EVER.

"I've got to admit it's getting better, a little better all the time."

-Ess Emm Dee

Comment. Let's hear (read them thar thots y'all be havin'!)

Boggle.

I feel myself falling apart.
A sensation of desperation
to hold on to the elation
of our relation-
Ship.
I won't let it slip
I just need to get a grip
and not trip
so your love don't flip.
This breakdown
falls from high ground
replacing security with fear from all 'round.
With a sound
so scary it echoes all over town
and never drowns
until you're around.
I know it's messed up to be so honest
but when the love is gone-it's
sad...
bad...
So Sad and SO BAD That it makes me MAD!
But I would be Glad
To see your face
in this place
or in any case
For this dread I can erase...
...with a hush...
don't blush
when I stare
with out glare
because I care
and your beauty is so rare.
I get so excited
I can't fight it...
breathe a little.
Just Breathe.
In and Out
I have no doubt
You'll hear me when I SHOUT!
I love you.
Just you.

More.

I need to do more creative writing.

I need to do more creative things in general.

I need to be more creative.

I need....

More.

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These...

"Who am I to disagree?"

This is a long time coming....

Last night and this morning have thrown things into a sharper, deeper perspective than I know how to deal with. There are a lot of instances and contingencies that factor into my many thoughts and insecurities... but all of them can be summed up into one simple and declarative statement.

I do not understand how to be a boyfriend.

Now I've had some seriously terrible girlfriends whom obviously taught me a lot about what I DO NOT need nor want in a partner. Marie, Lady C, and Sam were all the worst possible girlfriends in their respective ways. I suppose I should be thankful about what I learned from them. However, learning about one side of a relationship is incongruent with proper knowledge on how to make something flourish. I hate to make sound so scientific as it ruins the nuance of romance and such but seriously... I feel like I'm failing miserably sometimes and I'm really just digging myself deeper instead of climbing out.

I do not know how to trust.

Previous girlfriends have taught me beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter how good you think a relationship is and how seemingly upfront they are about things, that there is always something going on behind the scenes that they are not telling you about. I'm not saying worst case scenario all the time, after all with Freebird... I'm pretty sure she didn't cheat, not like the other 3. The other 3 were just much better liars about it, or maybe I was that blind. Either way I've learned that there's always something not being said that will cause an issue somewhere down the road. It's made me paranoid. Currently I want to trust her, and I don't know of any reason not to, but things happen sometimes that we disagree on the relevance of. Take this one guy, we'll call him Douche-bag Jr. because of his incredible likeness to the now famous Douche-bag. They are friends. He'll text her, call her, and make passes at her. She tells me, she knows he's a player but he can be really sweet when he wants to be. Yeah... I don't give a flying fuck if he's humanitarian of the year as dubbed by the Pope himself, if the dude is trying to fuck my girl I think I have every right to at least be angry about it, if not find this guy and "coerce" his efforts in a different direction, if you will. Apparently not.

I don't always understand my role in a situation.

Everyone has a different relationship with everyone else and sometimes it's hard to know where you stand as a partner to another in specific social gatherings. With Marie, I was not to be touching her or overly near her because she said it was clingy. Sam and Chelsi, well I didn't have to worry too much with them because I wasn't allowed near their friends... but that was because they turned out to either be married or engaged and didn't want their friends to know about me. With Courtney, if I was ever actually allowed to be around her friends or family I wasn't allowed to be overly affectionate(ie hold hands, kiss, or touch other than a short hug.) and watch how I talk because it made them uncomfortable. So given the similar themes of "Back-the-fuck-off", with Freckles here I've chosen to stick near her but not too near and I only respond with various signs of affection when she introduces them into the situation. I feel contrained and uncomfortable most of the time because of it but whatever works I suppose. It doesn't just have to do with P.D.A. in social gatherings either.
Lately, my role has been that of a back burner support role. A friend of her's has been very sick and dying and my instinct has been to stay away. I haven't made any attempt to see her, I make very little attempt to converse with her greatly, just to generally stay out of the way unless she comes to me in which case I try to listen. Unfortunately, I can't help my own feelings and such so the growing distance tends to wear on my patience a lot and I end up blowing small things out of proportion. My frustration level has shot way up and I end up loathing myself if it comes out to her. What do you do though? Long distance relationships do have serious issues, but they double when you add in factors of personal issues or outside sources of negativity. So in the end we end up having overly negative discussions over simple misunderstandings.

She has been very understanding up to this point and I hope that she continues to be. I'm trying my best to be positive but a pattern of negativity in matters of the heart is probably the hardest thing to break. I believe her to be worth it so I'll keep trying.

"Travel the world and the seven seas, everybody's looking for something."

-S

So It Goes....

Maybe it's me.

No not maybe, it is.
Why do I get like this.
I always get like this.
I can't have space.
If she's not there I get scared, worried, lonely, paranoid, and of course easily annoyed. I hurt feelings because I have this horrible habit of reacting first and then trying to apologize for it later. Other points of view don't matter until it's too late. Thats why they all end up hating me in the end. Clingy, self-imposed rejection... it always happens like this. Then there's the attempt to save it, folled shortly by the farewell. When did I become such a pessimist. It's like my happiness has a self destruct sequence. It lasts 2 weeks then...

BOOM!

Sex Make Battle

Last post for the day. I found this poem sitting quietly in my docs folder and thought I'd post it. I don't remember what brought it on. Poems for me are weird like that. Similar to the next one, Goodbye Freebird, I just sort of had it in my head and typed it up. Finally culminating todays mini-post marathon I updated with a blog of life as of late... and now...

Sex Make Battle.

So here we go and start mid conversation
The battle goes on without alleviation.
"That's pretty much it and it comes with a price
With dignity and class that make the life nice.
An affinity for women that keep the bed warm
because when they scratch and tug, they leave the sheets torn."
"Congratulations! you're a man of no mediocrity
but no matter how good, you'll never be me."
"And who might this be, my omniscient teacher?"
"Oh, just a woman, a sensational creature."
"I was mistaken, and thought the sexes were equal
not segregated or different, WE, together as people!
Wow, things have changed since the success of women's Lib
You went from preaching equality to incredibly glib!
Here I shall stop lest I become a stereotype.
I'll swallow my pride and get away from your hype.
I am just a man, but I am also a human."
"We are both people, like a man, like a woman."

Good Bye Freebird

I shed one tear for you
in this our last repose.
There was a everlasting period of doubt
where we never seemed to resolve the question.
It's over now and maybe we part as friends.
Best friends make the best lovers but,
the best of lovers rarely a friendship make.

The wound is healed.
The redness gone.
A scar revealed.
A new day to dawn.

-S

I Read The News Today, Oh Boy! About A Lucky Man Who Made The Grade

"And though the news was rather sad, Well I just had to laugh."

I'm writing for peace. Or is it piece? A piece? I dunno.

Peace sounds good so let's write for that! We've been in the new place for 2 weeks now and Life has found a balance again. Balance being defined as equal parts good and bad, where before at the old house it was pretty much all bad. Yeah. Hmmm, so here's a little behind the scenes action for ya, I started writing tonight because I read a few blogs by a certain someone. I noted how well designed her blog was and how seemingly important they felt. Mine felt suddenly... insignificant. I felt this very human urge to spread my literary seed and type type TYPE myself into some sort of virtual glory! Okay, so the first attempt was pretenteous and was this self-perpetuating, historically-BORING, piece of shit. I seriously said out loud, "Who the fuck am I writing to?" Having no answer for myself, I turned to the spider on the ceiling, it was pretending to ignore me so yeah.

Highlight, Delete, Restart.

Oh, about the arachnid roommate... Well it has thus far been too rude to introduce itself so I have neither name nor gender, BUT I know it listens....

So Lil-C, Wifey, Juno, or what-the-hell-ever I'm calling her these days, and I are getting along. Not that we never did. We just see each other a little more regularly. It's actually a lot of fun living with one of your best friends. Certainly one of your most blunt and certainly none so big and tall and violent as to be putting my head through a wall or other such assinine ventures. So far life has been fairly peaceful here in the good ol' 1C and I'm diggin' it. DIggin' it like dinos baby!

Job Corps is actually topping itself lately. The managers, it would seem, are actually trying to destroy the tender fabric of my sanity with their decisions. I'd go into detail to explain that observation but it would be long-winded and boring. Basically, My job is to contact the new kids and once they get to center get them the info they need to make it. The hard part of my job is to actually get in contact with said prospective students. Kinda hard to do when they arrive on Monday and I get my call list 2 hours before I leave Friday afternoon. Thanks ya over-paid, Ritards!

Wednesday....

Okay I know in blogs past I tend to get over enthusiastic when I start dating someone new and then a few weeks later well... Well, meeting someone new is always so uncomplicated at first. There are lots of smiles and stares. You're caught up in the euphoria of the moment and your desire to have it last is so visceral you can barely contain your joy. It's the next steps that are the most crucial and so far I just enjoy the simplicity. Wednesday was simply amazing start to finish. There's clicking and then there was she and I. We saw The Hangover, which was definitely funnier the second time around! Then after we just ... had fun and serious conversation. Honestly I've been in awe of what a great person she is. It's a hard night to write about because... it was just a great night. Point made, mission accomplished.

Okay so the car is acting up again and I'm not even all that worried for once. I think I've become so jaded to my vehicles because of their near scheduled break-downs. It'd be SO awesome like a hundred BA-GILLION hot dogs if I could get just one of them running in a very normal, reliable way. Sadly, I think it's not meant to be. I just went outside a bit ago to tinker under the hood to make myself feel a little more confident... I know it was pointless. It was like automechanic masturbation. You play around with a few things, without really accomplishing anything, but you still feel a little better for a bit afterwards. Yeah! I know what you're thinking and I can't believe I made that comparison either.

I damn near completely missed out on seeing my sister this week. I saw when she first got home but that was it. I've been busy or otherwise unable to visit. Kinda sucks. Also Mom and Dad left for South Carolina today and my job is to go to the house, feed the cats and look at the raccoon trap everyday. Not sure how thats going to happen without a car, but I'm not sure how I'm going to get to and from work either. Awesome again. Oh well, at least I can hide away in my apartment and feel at home.

"He blew his mind out in a car."

-S

Makin' Due

I woke up this morning
realized i wasn't with you
Thought I might have fucked it up
It's okay 'cuz I'll make due.

I'm always feeling like
I wasn't quite enough
things like I didn't make you happy
and other stupid stuff.

Never been told anything
so I don't know what is true.
Just left here, sittin', waiting
So I guess I'll just make due.

I suppose I'm better off
waitin' for you to come around
But I know if I don't try to call
I probably won't hear a sound.

It's gotten late
and I'm too tired to continue.
So I guess I'll get some sleep and
Tomorrow I'll just make due.

All I Can Do Is Read A Book To Stay Awake...

"and it rips my life away but it's a great escape."

I dream in still photos and graffiti writing. My dreams are often filled with the extremes of my existence and the possibilities that can be or could have been. Every photo is perfect and captures the emotion of the situation in ways even the dimwit passing by the gallery only haphazardly glancing aside could instantly pick up on the story and find himself immersed in the art exhibit that is my subconscious. There's almost always graffiti in my dreams. Even the sex dreams there'd be something on the bed post written in black sharpy. Once, I remember the quote was from Shakespeare, it was on a wall nearby it said, "Go forward, through." Was I ever! It's stuff like that... I wish I could tap into my inner creativity, my subconscious genius and out it out on paper. If I could figure that little magic trick out, I'd have the opportunity to find myself very comfortable for the rest of my days.

Last night I had a dream about a girl. She was dirty blonde and beautiful. Her smile was incredible and she made me think of summer time with the way her face lit up when she looked at me. I remember the phrase written on a table in the restaurant we were in and it said," Faberge' Happiness." Meaning, I guess, that happiness is like a Faberge egg. It is beautiful and worth a lot to you, but if you're not careful with it, it can shatter into a thousand pieces and be lost to you forever. I read this to myself a hundred times over. Her bright blue eyes were still staring and smiling back at me as if I hadn't but glanced at the writing. She was speaking but I couldn't hear her. I knew what she was saying though. She went on and on about how much she loved me and how much fun we had. That part of the dream came in flashes, photographic images of her. Close ups of her eyes and lips. Then the smile was gone and suddenly she looked very serious and started backing away. She got up and left the table, then the restaurant. I was sitting alone again staring at the table which now read, " This too, shall pass."

That's when I woke up. I sat up in my bed missing her dearly. I had to type this up just to get back to sleep. It was an awfully vivid dream and the kind I could do without. Everyone tells me it's best to move on. I am moving on I just don't know what I'm moving on to. Guess that's life huh?

"I just want someone to say to me, I'll always be there when you wake."

-S

The First New Blog of The New Year!... and it’s depressing.

"So no one told you life was gonna be this way?

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love-life's D.O.A.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year..."

So, it turns out when I'm content, I have no need to write.

For awhile there everything in my life was slowly coming together, or so it seemed to me. My social life seemed to be cruising along steadily with a group of friends who could be counted on. Freebird was back from DC and we were hanging out a lot. Work seemed survivable given that break was on and when I was there it was lethargically paced and relaxed. The shop was accommodating and somewhere to go to blow off an hour or 2. Even my family was around and in good spirits.

Fate, it seems, is not without a habit of being bipolar.

Here at the ass end of break with literally 6 minutes until Monday, damn near everything has changed. Socially speaking, the climax of break would have been the awesome party Doug and Mara put on for New Years eve. Everyone who was there, I think, had a glorious time! Examining in literary fashion you would see that after the grand climax of a story, there follows the "Denouement" where things sort of wind down into a resolution phase of the story. Sadly, in this story it's not all butterflies and hot dogs. The following morning I caused a verbal disagreement with Freebird that kind of wrecked everything. Now, particulars aside, we sorted things out on Saturday but I'm still left with this insecurity about things that won't help matters at all. She's going back to school in a couple weeks which was kind of the issue to begin with.....

I also spent time at the shop on Friday for a bit and Saturday. I'm not even sure how to describe it... Saturday I found myself with the same old feelings I'd had over the summer. Feelings of unappreciation and unneededness, if that's even proper English... Maybe it was just me, maybe it was just that day but I ended up leaving early and going home. Now my friends, well nothing's really changed there, Except Kwikki and I had a few choice words exchanged at one point. However, friends are all great. I just didn't see a whole lot of some of them and only realized today that I've kinda missed them. Missing them is my doing though so no worries there. As for family, my sister went home and Mom and Dad disappeared on day trips to where ever. I only heard from them when Verizon bugged them for me to pay my phone bill.

Which brings me to work. Job Corps. Tomorrow... errr... TODAY, I get thrown back into the fires of Hell. Back to the fast paced pressure of trying to get everything done in our understaffed little department. Bring on the headaches and bring on the stress. Oh well.

I'm trying to think more positively and it's going to have to start with Job Corps. So, here goes... Fortunately over break I had plenty of time to work on my office. I spent a few bucks and hours making it a little more comfortable. I added new wall art and stocked it with some food items. I rearranged furniture a bit and frankly it's almost cozy! LOL not really but for a place I have to spend a fair portion of my week, and for being in the middle of one of my most despised places ever, it's a sanctuary if ever there was one at Job Corps. So that's that. As far as the shop goes, well, did most of what I needed, no strike that, not needed, would-have-been-asked-to-do so if I don't show up there til Friday, I know I won't be missed. Friends? Well we're gonna have to hang out more, I mean I went and saw Juno McRollin'-Wit-Dubs tonight for a short minute. We watched as a lady shop-lifted at Lowe's and ran off, cashier in hot pursuit. She's about to effin' pop so there's that to look forward to.

Finally, I'm trying to find things to distract me, but I'm also trying to change my life for the better. I've decided to commit myself to exercising. I was inspired by my visits to Millrace over the last few days. I went out again today by myself and walked around the neighborhood of the Punkin Patch. Despite the tightness and soreness I experience I feel that energy coming back. It's such a great feeling and I missed it intensely. The good news is that it's only the beginning. Hopefully I'll be inspired to stick with it, hell, maybe someone will ACTUALLY do it with me!... Hmmm better not get my hopes up. Finding an exercise partner for me is actually harder than trying to find a date! LOL Wish me luck. For now though I need to get to bed. It's almost half past midnight and I still have to get up at 6.

"I'll be there for you, cuz you're there for me too."

-S

update: Freebird ended it. We're done.

There Are Places I’ll Remember All My Life... Though Some Have Changed

I was searching for a wall socket to plug in my Laptop. I was wanting to watch another episode of the Sopranos to fall asleep to. In searching I came across a shoe box with old photos in it. There baby pictures of both my sister and I. My parents college graduations, and other events that transpired before 1997. There were several from christmas years past. The idea of seeing yourself at a younger age isn't all that shocking. This time around I noticed my father more than anything. In so many of the pictures he was thinner and had a youthful exuberance in his smile. Something he sadly has no more. I mean he smiles, but not like that. He's older. It struck me. We notice people growing up all the time.We even notice people growing old. How often do you notice a person aging? I've never thought of my father as an old man. I always saw him as just, well, older. However, after seeing the comparison, from say, Yesterday during gift exchanges for Christmas, compared to the photos of him from a Christmas probably 14 years ago, I noticed the age in his smile. I'm not really sad having noticed it, but more taken aback. There were pictures of my father holding me as a baby. In those pictures he's only about 5 years older than I am now. Frankly, the thought was a little frightening, the idea that I'm catching up to my father in some way. You never think about this stuff until life points it out to you in some way.

I was once younger. I had more ideas, I had more energy. Life was so much less complicated. I was so...unaware of how precarious life can be, will be.

Granted there are so many joys that come with age. Those photos made me ponder the future though. You start looking at the definition in your face, how the once sparkling infinity that was in your eyes have dimmed with experience. It's a strange metaphor as no real light ever eminates from our pupils or iris.... but there is a light there when we're young. I doubt anyone will argue that. Still, next time you look in the mirror and notice your age, don't think of it sadly. Growing old means you're alive. You're not feeding the worms yet. I mean, unless you're out dumping soil on earth worms for the sake of their consumption... which would be weird.
"...some forever, not for better."

Really weird actually. I mean think about it, you'd have to dig up the worms first! Why would you do that? Man, you people are messed up. Stop feeding the fucking worms!....

I guess I ended that oddly.

Well....

"In my life, I've loved them all."

-S