Boggle.

I feel myself falling apart.
A sensation of desperation
to hold on to the elation
of our relation-
Ship.
I won't let it slip
I just need to get a grip
and not trip
so your love don't flip.
This breakdown
falls from high ground
replacing security with fear from all 'round.
With a sound
so scary it echoes all over town
and never drowns
until you're around.
I know it's messed up to be so honest
but when the love is gone-it's
sad...
bad...
So Sad and SO BAD That it makes me MAD!
But I would be Glad
To see your face
in this place
or in any case
For this dread I can erase...
...with a hush...
don't blush
when I stare
with out glare
because I care
and your beauty is so rare.
I get so excited
I can't fight it...
breathe a little.
Just Breathe.
In and Out
I have no doubt
You'll hear me when I SHOUT!
I love you.
Just you.

More.

I need to do more creative writing.

I need to do more creative things in general.

I need to be more creative.

I need....

More.

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These...

"Who am I to disagree?"

This is a long time coming....

Last night and this morning have thrown things into a sharper, deeper perspective than I know how to deal with. There are a lot of instances and contingencies that factor into my many thoughts and insecurities... but all of them can be summed up into one simple and declarative statement.

I do not understand how to be a boyfriend.

Now I've had some seriously terrible girlfriends whom obviously taught me a lot about what I DO NOT need nor want in a partner. Marie, Lady C, and Sam were all the worst possible girlfriends in their respective ways. I suppose I should be thankful about what I learned from them. However, learning about one side of a relationship is incongruent with proper knowledge on how to make something flourish. I hate to make sound so scientific as it ruins the nuance of romance and such but seriously... I feel like I'm failing miserably sometimes and I'm really just digging myself deeper instead of climbing out.

I do not know how to trust.

Previous girlfriends have taught me beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter how good you think a relationship is and how seemingly upfront they are about things, that there is always something going on behind the scenes that they are not telling you about. I'm not saying worst case scenario all the time, after all with Freebird... I'm pretty sure she didn't cheat, not like the other 3. The other 3 were just much better liars about it, or maybe I was that blind. Either way I've learned that there's always something not being said that will cause an issue somewhere down the road. It's made me paranoid. Currently I want to trust her, and I don't know of any reason not to, but things happen sometimes that we disagree on the relevance of. Take this one guy, we'll call him Douche-bag Jr. because of his incredible likeness to the now famous Douche-bag. They are friends. He'll text her, call her, and make passes at her. She tells me, she knows he's a player but he can be really sweet when he wants to be. Yeah... I don't give a flying fuck if he's humanitarian of the year as dubbed by the Pope himself, if the dude is trying to fuck my girl I think I have every right to at least be angry about it, if not find this guy and "coerce" his efforts in a different direction, if you will. Apparently not.

I don't always understand my role in a situation.

Everyone has a different relationship with everyone else and sometimes it's hard to know where you stand as a partner to another in specific social gatherings. With Marie, I was not to be touching her or overly near her because she said it was clingy. Sam and Chelsi, well I didn't have to worry too much with them because I wasn't allowed near their friends... but that was because they turned out to either be married or engaged and didn't want their friends to know about me. With Courtney, if I was ever actually allowed to be around her friends or family I wasn't allowed to be overly affectionate(ie hold hands, kiss, or touch other than a short hug.) and watch how I talk because it made them uncomfortable. So given the similar themes of "Back-the-fuck-off", with Freckles here I've chosen to stick near her but not too near and I only respond with various signs of affection when she introduces them into the situation. I feel contrained and uncomfortable most of the time because of it but whatever works I suppose. It doesn't just have to do with P.D.A. in social gatherings either.
Lately, my role has been that of a back burner support role. A friend of her's has been very sick and dying and my instinct has been to stay away. I haven't made any attempt to see her, I make very little attempt to converse with her greatly, just to generally stay out of the way unless she comes to me in which case I try to listen. Unfortunately, I can't help my own feelings and such so the growing distance tends to wear on my patience a lot and I end up blowing small things out of proportion. My frustration level has shot way up and I end up loathing myself if it comes out to her. What do you do though? Long distance relationships do have serious issues, but they double when you add in factors of personal issues or outside sources of negativity. So in the end we end up having overly negative discussions over simple misunderstandings.

She has been very understanding up to this point and I hope that she continues to be. I'm trying my best to be positive but a pattern of negativity in matters of the heart is probably the hardest thing to break. I believe her to be worth it so I'll keep trying.

"Travel the world and the seven seas, everybody's looking for something."

-S