I Miss

Keep talking
We talk about nothing.
we talk
just to Listen
I like to hear your voice.
Miss it, when it's
not there,
Here.
Hear it.
Our talks,
were always good.
fun, like that time
in the parking lot.
That first night.
You had to go,
and I had to stay
You stayed and
I didn't go.
We sat there
for hours and
spoke,
About everything you
me.
Now we watch
what we say.
There's others
listening.
to us.
They don't talk
like we did.
When we
talk to them
they don't listen.
Only when it's
just us.
Do they hear,
us.
We should
talk more.
Now and later.

-S

Chapter 1: Birth

People think they know me.
I found myself being the nice guy an awful lot before I started all this. Everyone I knew would tell me the same things, about what a good person I was. Socially speaking, being the nice guy means being a door mat. People love you because they can walk all over you. They clean the shit off of them and wipe it all over your face. They confide in you because you're safe and nonthreatening. They know that you know that if you were to ever say anything they could deny it and you'd end up looking like the douche everyone already thinks you are.
I hated being the nice guy.
The girls I dated had no respect for me. They were with me for some sort of search for what they thought they wanted. Someone who treated them well and respected them. Turns out thats not what those girls wanted, it may have been what they needed. They wanted that asshole coke-fiend down the road who didn't know anything about them except that he'd love to fuck them in the ass until they screamed. Yes, the nice guy always gets cheated on.
This is your life. Every day you can wake up hoping for something different be it a job or girl. It doesn't matter because it's not going to happen. You get a new job it's a dead end one like the last. you meet a new girl and she's a cheating cunt like all the others.
That was my life.
Then about a week ago the latest cheating cunt was screwing the local coke-fiend and I woke up that morning and a change finally happened. I hit bottem. I got up and threw on a shirt. I walked out the back door and down a dirt path littered with bottles and trash from last weeks garbage pick up. At the end of the path was the little white shack. I went through unlocked back screen door and made a bee line to the bedroom. The cunt and the fiend were so surprised that they both gave me the same stupified looks. So I happily punched the look right off of the fiend's face which in turn scared the look off the cunt's face as she tried to untie herself from the sweaty pretzel position she had gotten into with the fiend.
I wasn't going to hit her. I don't hit girls, I'm a nice guy remember? Oh thats right, I'm rebeling against that.
She finally got to the floor and as she got up to run away I stuck out my foot and she hit the carpet hard.
"Ouch", I half laughed with a freaked out smile.
"Fuck you Asshole! What the fuck are you doing!?" She cursed and she screamed and I began to wonder why the fiend hadn't retaliated. I looked around at him and he was sitting there crying.
"Hold on sweetheart, this man is crying." I stopped and studied the loser of a person. He looked up at me and just said," I'm sorry man! Don't hit me again. I do stupid shit when I'm fucked up, you know?"
People like this have always made me miss the concept of natural selection.
I left then and there feeling free. The cunt threatened to press charges as she scrambled half naked to her white Saturn parked out front. I lovingly reminded her to wipe off the white stuff under her nose before she went to the police.
Back at home I took a piss threw off my shirt and went back to bed.
I've never slept so well that I can remember.

Dreams

wake up.
A visceral reaction
to what
what is unpleasent, unwanted.
Unconscious avatars that chase.
Forcefully pursue me.
Why do you make me remember?
It's over.
I know.
Why hope?
Persistence in dreams
undaunting, infinite.
Yes I miss you.
Doesn't mean
I want to think,
about you.
Shadows of Clockwork relationships
breaking down time,
cerebral gears falling
cracking, crushing,
on my contentment.
Beg for consciousness.
Ghostly figures representing,
gathering, like storm clouds.
Around me. Not to scare.
To make you long, pine, wish.
Something more than
ephemeral pleasure.
Ignore your instincts,
fall into the memory,
the beauty of that smile.
A smile that will,
never be, again.
remember me.
We're not real.
Awake.
heart pounds and eyes focus.
Comprehension dawns.
Disappointment sets in.
Time has passed, though,
memories, thoughts, all,
bleed from freshly cut wounds
of the mind. Thanks.
I never, ever want to
sleep again.

Us.

She comes closer
I look into your eyes
Lips biting
fingers curling
chest rising.
falling
leaning forward
kiss me once
bite my lip.
a tender sigh.
relax,
constrict around me
roll around
move the sheets
bodies rubbing
Her face twists
sweat beads.
You smile
piercings glisten in the low light.
sigh again.
bite your nipples
lips part
tongues wander like hands.
pace quickens.
faster heart, faster.
scratch my chest.
rough kisses
all over the room.
heavier breathing
Your mouth agape
muscles squeeze
Her body tightens
blood burning through
faces red
sighing louder
clutched hips
back arched
Your nails dig in.
she exhales.
final convulsion
death rattle
waves crash
lean in for a kiss.
You smile a me again.
kiss my forehead.
bodies part.
gentle embraces.
Eyes close.
I'm awake.
She'll never know
the best sex we ever had.
was with you.

That Guy.

Despite everything
I became that guy.
neutral.
Non-threatening.
The nice guy.
Good friend.
All lables for
he who finishes
LAST.
Complain to me
about this guy
who
You married.
Vent all
about how he doesn't
make you happy.
All the ways
I could.
Remind me why
I care.
Why I
Stay.
Why I
can't stop
thinking
about you.
I'm not
that guy.
Quit trying to make me
him.
I am a threat.
Never forget
history,
what came before.
Because I was
never that guy.
I tried
to steal you.
I wanted you
from him.
We have a past.
You and I.
Me and you.
us. yeah. us.
Don't treat me
like I never cared.
I haven't forgotten
that feeling.
I don't want to.
So I'm sorry but
I'm not able
to accept
your lables
I can't do,
be,
that guy.

A friend like any other.

Yesterday,
it was a friend of mine
you flirt with.
Today,
in my ear
you whisper.
Seduce me with
your promises.
You know,
I trust you.
A better friend than most.
Some leave.
Some Lie.
Promise an end.
Guaranteed bliss.
Set me free.
I've said no before.
And You always come back
Some friends
haven't and
you showed them.
Like you will
show me.
Tell me how to meet you.
The easiest way.
People who hate you
say I shouldn't listen
They say pain is temporary
but your promise is forever.
Isn't that what I want?
Exactly
what you'll give.
The glint of steal.
Inviting cold.
Bottled warmth
drink you down.
Quick, slow.
doesn't matter.
Promises fullfilled.
Should we go?
Is it right
to suffer?
Or wrong
to end it?
Confusion
Desperation
Loneliness.
All roads
led to you.
Will you take me?
I'm ready.
Help me.

War.

So confused
so distraught
I wish this war in my head would stop
I have an Angel at my side
but the devil's on my back
I feel weak and insecure
I know its wrong.
it keeps growing.
The fear, the guessing.
Love or In Love.
I can't tell.
Was I wrong at the start
She cannot be mine
But she tells me and tells me
yes all the time.
Why did I say anything at all?
wondering and second guessing.
mind obsessing
over and over and over
please tell me when
I can open my eyes and be happy again.

Nevermind

nevermind.
no really
nevermind the tears
forget the pain.
just drop it.
act like it never happens.
It is just as they say.
Life will go on.
Heh, how cliche'
You'll forget how it felt
eventually. everyone forgets.
time heals all wounds.
right?
Tomorrow means a new start
Then i'll begin again.
You'll be reminded.
Yeah you'll remember
hearts will stop
lungs will heave.
eyes moisten. but
don't look at me like that.
You knew it was coming.
or did you forget?
I know, I know
melodramatic. right?
Oh nevermind.
Sorry, didn't mean
well maybe....
no, I'm sorry
it's me. To everyone.
I made it this way
You hurt but
I feel pain.
It's what i do.
the only thing I can do.
I don't want to talk about it.
forget it, it's not important.
I just hurt
you more than I hurt.
Not anymore.
I'm not a good person.
nevermind.
Ignore me, and everything.
let me fade
You won't have to worry
anymore. I'll be done.
Don't care. please.
just stop. forget.
No, I'm fine.
nevermind.

Really.

I love that smile.
not the thought behind it.
I'm a game
enjoy the play.
because you're the best
He's just for fun
a personal sport
whatever makes you happy.
say you care with a look
love without regret
but regret that you love
and unequal mirror images
distant reflections of self
the inside and out.
Project your feelings
secrets uncovered in full light
the reality you created falls to pieces
your smile has as much charm
as the cuts in your wrist.
But I see your pain
in the way you love.
Undeserving of what you want.
stuck with what you have.
Refusing to take a risk
letting go.
Your life is written
in the marks on your skin.
Too sensitive?
driving you crazy.
why come back?
Why lie?
You keep trying to escape.
elastic reactions to your attempts
pushing with force
quickens your return.
Deny how you feel
until your nose starts to bleed.
Your dishonest shelter
with holes in the roof
they get bigger with every smile.
Stop being afraid
Still you play.
but the game never ends.
I may be hurt,
but in the end we both lose.
Change the rules.
Let me play.
Not us, but you and me.
Be true, friend?
really.

Disappointment.

a prayer to the heavens
wishing on the stars
hopes lifted up
seems pointless so far.
down here we
live a real life
convaluted day to day
problems and strife.
i can't waste my time
I got things to do
old bills I gotta pay
to make way for the new.
Politics, Religion
some birds got infected
I'm to busy thinking about
my application got rejected
more choices to make with
every chance that I'm able
can't worry about a career
have to put food on the table.
College education
supposed to pay for itself
Cheap wage labor
doesn't provide much wealth
Higher education
isn't what it seems
doesn't give way to
prayers, hopes, wishes and dreams.
hard work, ambition
experience, and knowing someone.
Those are the things that matter
when this long ass day is done.
I'm ready go home
quit working and sit
I've done my fair share
of this low paying bullshit
So tomorrow I'll get up
early and get in line
fill out another application
so I can get mine.

Renewed Direction.

I've been writing alot of poems. I don't feel my other blog is really a good place to post them.... given the subject matter, so I'm going to start using this blog as my outlet. Assuming it's working anyway.

so here goes.

There.

It was foggy on the drive back
just like that first night
great!
Pattern recognition's a bitch.
Fog, Tattoos, Hair-dye, all fucked.
It was nice seeing you.
Even though, you weren't you.
Memories would bleed
like fresh razor cut.
They lingered and now I'm emo.
At least it's Wednesday.
Wednesdays are always boring.
I'm grateful for any break
in the monotony.
I hate fucking friday nights.
most people love them.
I hate them.
Fridays disappoint.
People let you down Fridays.
You meet the girl of your dreams Fridays
Your girlfriend cheats on you fridays
You get dumped fridays.
This is your life and
it's ending one friday at a time.
Drive's over. back home.
It's time to forget again.
it was nice though, seeing you again.
Even if it wasn't THAT you.