"It's been a good year, a good new beginning,
I'm through with the old school
so let's commence the winning."
I'm through with the old school
so let's commence the winning."
Haven't written in awhile. I've thought about it, but without cohesive ideas, writing seemed pointless. Tonight I had too much alcohol to be active but not enough to knock me out and now that I've basically moved past the tipsy stage I'm well-awake so sleeping isn't an option.
It's late and no one is talking. This time of night on a weekend is a breeding ground for deep thinking and reflection, an often dangerous combo.
My thoughts tonight are directed to things that once were. My roommate and I were both slighted by a friend of ours we've both more or less agreed to write off. Not really end the friendship so much as not regard it. It's important because I've been doing that more and more in the last few months than I'm very much used to. As a social being I enjoy keeping my friends close but that has become difficult as I've discovered at my happiest I'm busy. The issue of happiness after Xtine was that I needed to find a way to make myself happy before I could make other people happy. Well keeping myself busy is what makes me happy. The problem is the ways I keep myself busy leave no room in my life for me to wait around for passive friendships. Friends who wait for me to interact with them rather than call me out themselves, in my personal opinion, aren't really that great of friends. The people I want to count as friends will seek me out too. That being said most of my closer friends from the last couple years have been criminally passive and have fallen by the wayside. Not to mention recent efforts to hang out have been thwarted by their... separate businesses. I don't bare much in the way of enmity for these people as I understand. the same kind of circumstances that keep them from hanging with me have recently stopped my motivations from keeping up with them. I suppose that's life. People grow, change, and move on. Up until recently, this moving on was a depressing reality. I was losing my friends and awful lonely. Lately, I've adapted found my own way, my own interests. Now I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a girl involved however I'm trying to look at things from different perspectives. I no longer wish to tie my favorite activities and places down to people I know. People will come and go. I've lost so much little bits of happiness because I'd tie a song, a show, or a place to a certain girl... then when things ended I'd hate the girl and everything tied to her. The girl I'm dating now loves zombies, am I going to stop liking zombies if we break up? Fuck no! I have been trying to learn to impose my own importance and favoritism on things and places so that they are simply things I share. So, when people ultimately exit my social boundaries they only exit the senses without dragging anything with them.
Now the exiting itself has been an issue worth thought lately. Someone I greatly care about told me, and I agreed, that friendships shouldn't require work. That person herself has pulled thusly from my aforementioned boundaries and it's a loss I feel more than I like. However, I can't do anything to stop it. I've tried and failed. I've vowed this year to better manage my debts and debtors. This isn't a money issue so much as a universal responsibility I've adopted. You don't talk to me, I won't talk to you. I've proclaimed for years to be egalitarian, well this is simply an extension of that ideology. To quote the epic 80's movie "The Legend of Billie Jean", "FAIR IS FAIR!" I know I'll get grief from this kind of action or inaction but I'm not going to work for anything not putting out. Another friend of mine has been ditching my efforts to hang out and I had enough. Last weekend I decided my efforts to do anything with her were over.
The odd thing I've noticed is that these obviously negative decisions are having unexpectedly positive results. Without the worry caused by stressing over the status of a friendship I'm much happier. I'm not saying we're enemies or anything. I'm not trying to hold a grudge... I'm just done with one-sided relationships altogether.
"I deserve a gold star."
-S-
