Boggle.

I feel myself falling apart.
A sensation of desperation
to hold on to the elation
of our relation-
Ship.
I won't let it slip
I just need to get a grip
and not trip
so your love don't flip.
This breakdown
falls from high ground
replacing security with fear from all 'round.
With a sound
so scary it echoes all over town
and never drowns
until you're around.
I know it's messed up to be so honest
but when the love is gone-it's
sad...
bad...
So Sad and SO BAD That it makes me MAD!
But I would be Glad
To see your face
in this place
or in any case
For this dread I can erase...
...with a hush...
don't blush
when I stare
with out glare
because I care
and your beauty is so rare.
I get so excited
I can't fight it...
breathe a little.
Just Breathe.
In and Out
I have no doubt
You'll hear me when I SHOUT!
I love you.
Just you.

More.

I need to do more creative writing.

I need to do more creative things in general.

I need to be more creative.

I need....

More.

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These...

"Who am I to disagree?"

This is a long time coming....

Last night and this morning have thrown things into a sharper, deeper perspective than I know how to deal with. There are a lot of instances and contingencies that factor into my many thoughts and insecurities... but all of them can be summed up into one simple and declarative statement.

I do not understand how to be a boyfriend.

Now I've had some seriously terrible girlfriends whom obviously taught me a lot about what I DO NOT need nor want in a partner. Marie, Lady C, and Sam were all the worst possible girlfriends in their respective ways. I suppose I should be thankful about what I learned from them. However, learning about one side of a relationship is incongruent with proper knowledge on how to make something flourish. I hate to make sound so scientific as it ruins the nuance of romance and such but seriously... I feel like I'm failing miserably sometimes and I'm really just digging myself deeper instead of climbing out.

I do not know how to trust.

Previous girlfriends have taught me beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter how good you think a relationship is and how seemingly upfront they are about things, that there is always something going on behind the scenes that they are not telling you about. I'm not saying worst case scenario all the time, after all with Freebird... I'm pretty sure she didn't cheat, not like the other 3. The other 3 were just much better liars about it, or maybe I was that blind. Either way I've learned that there's always something not being said that will cause an issue somewhere down the road. It's made me paranoid. Currently I want to trust her, and I don't know of any reason not to, but things happen sometimes that we disagree on the relevance of. Take this one guy, we'll call him Douche-bag Jr. because of his incredible likeness to the now famous Douche-bag. They are friends. He'll text her, call her, and make passes at her. She tells me, she knows he's a player but he can be really sweet when he wants to be. Yeah... I don't give a flying fuck if he's humanitarian of the year as dubbed by the Pope himself, if the dude is trying to fuck my girl I think I have every right to at least be angry about it, if not find this guy and "coerce" his efforts in a different direction, if you will. Apparently not.

I don't always understand my role in a situation.

Everyone has a different relationship with everyone else and sometimes it's hard to know where you stand as a partner to another in specific social gatherings. With Marie, I was not to be touching her or overly near her because she said it was clingy. Sam and Chelsi, well I didn't have to worry too much with them because I wasn't allowed near their friends... but that was because they turned out to either be married or engaged and didn't want their friends to know about me. With Courtney, if I was ever actually allowed to be around her friends or family I wasn't allowed to be overly affectionate(ie hold hands, kiss, or touch other than a short hug.) and watch how I talk because it made them uncomfortable. So given the similar themes of "Back-the-fuck-off", with Freckles here I've chosen to stick near her but not too near and I only respond with various signs of affection when she introduces them into the situation. I feel contrained and uncomfortable most of the time because of it but whatever works I suppose. It doesn't just have to do with P.D.A. in social gatherings either.
Lately, my role has been that of a back burner support role. A friend of her's has been very sick and dying and my instinct has been to stay away. I haven't made any attempt to see her, I make very little attempt to converse with her greatly, just to generally stay out of the way unless she comes to me in which case I try to listen. Unfortunately, I can't help my own feelings and such so the growing distance tends to wear on my patience a lot and I end up blowing small things out of proportion. My frustration level has shot way up and I end up loathing myself if it comes out to her. What do you do though? Long distance relationships do have serious issues, but they double when you add in factors of personal issues or outside sources of negativity. So in the end we end up having overly negative discussions over simple misunderstandings.

She has been very understanding up to this point and I hope that she continues to be. I'm trying my best to be positive but a pattern of negativity in matters of the heart is probably the hardest thing to break. I believe her to be worth it so I'll keep trying.

"Travel the world and the seven seas, everybody's looking for something."

-S

So It Goes....

Maybe it's me.

No not maybe, it is.
Why do I get like this.
I always get like this.
I can't have space.
If she's not there I get scared, worried, lonely, paranoid, and of course easily annoyed. I hurt feelings because I have this horrible habit of reacting first and then trying to apologize for it later. Other points of view don't matter until it's too late. Thats why they all end up hating me in the end. Clingy, self-imposed rejection... it always happens like this. Then there's the attempt to save it, folled shortly by the farewell. When did I become such a pessimist. It's like my happiness has a self destruct sequence. It lasts 2 weeks then...

BOOM!

Sex Make Battle

Last post for the day. I found this poem sitting quietly in my docs folder and thought I'd post it. I don't remember what brought it on. Poems for me are weird like that. Similar to the next one, Goodbye Freebird, I just sort of had it in my head and typed it up. Finally culminating todays mini-post marathon I updated with a blog of life as of late... and now...

Sex Make Battle.

So here we go and start mid conversation
The battle goes on without alleviation.
"That's pretty much it and it comes with a price
With dignity and class that make the life nice.
An affinity for women that keep the bed warm
because when they scratch and tug, they leave the sheets torn."
"Congratulations! you're a man of no mediocrity
but no matter how good, you'll never be me."
"And who might this be, my omniscient teacher?"
"Oh, just a woman, a sensational creature."
"I was mistaken, and thought the sexes were equal
not segregated or different, WE, together as people!
Wow, things have changed since the success of women's Lib
You went from preaching equality to incredibly glib!
Here I shall stop lest I become a stereotype.
I'll swallow my pride and get away from your hype.
I am just a man, but I am also a human."
"We are both people, like a man, like a woman."

Good Bye Freebird

I shed one tear for you
in this our last repose.
There was a everlasting period of doubt
where we never seemed to resolve the question.
It's over now and maybe we part as friends.
Best friends make the best lovers but,
the best of lovers rarely a friendship make.

The wound is healed.
The redness gone.
A scar revealed.
A new day to dawn.

-S

I Read The News Today, Oh Boy! About A Lucky Man Who Made The Grade

"And though the news was rather sad, Well I just had to laugh."

I'm writing for peace. Or is it piece? A piece? I dunno.

Peace sounds good so let's write for that! We've been in the new place for 2 weeks now and Life has found a balance again. Balance being defined as equal parts good and bad, where before at the old house it was pretty much all bad. Yeah. Hmmm, so here's a little behind the scenes action for ya, I started writing tonight because I read a few blogs by a certain someone. I noted how well designed her blog was and how seemingly important they felt. Mine felt suddenly... insignificant. I felt this very human urge to spread my literary seed and type type TYPE myself into some sort of virtual glory! Okay, so the first attempt was pretenteous and was this self-perpetuating, historically-BORING, piece of shit. I seriously said out loud, "Who the fuck am I writing to?" Having no answer for myself, I turned to the spider on the ceiling, it was pretending to ignore me so yeah.

Highlight, Delete, Restart.

Oh, about the arachnid roommate... Well it has thus far been too rude to introduce itself so I have neither name nor gender, BUT I know it listens....

So Lil-C, Wifey, Juno, or what-the-hell-ever I'm calling her these days, and I are getting along. Not that we never did. We just see each other a little more regularly. It's actually a lot of fun living with one of your best friends. Certainly one of your most blunt and certainly none so big and tall and violent as to be putting my head through a wall or other such assinine ventures. So far life has been fairly peaceful here in the good ol' 1C and I'm diggin' it. DIggin' it like dinos baby!

Job Corps is actually topping itself lately. The managers, it would seem, are actually trying to destroy the tender fabric of my sanity with their decisions. I'd go into detail to explain that observation but it would be long-winded and boring. Basically, My job is to contact the new kids and once they get to center get them the info they need to make it. The hard part of my job is to actually get in contact with said prospective students. Kinda hard to do when they arrive on Monday and I get my call list 2 hours before I leave Friday afternoon. Thanks ya over-paid, Ritards!

Wednesday....

Okay I know in blogs past I tend to get over enthusiastic when I start dating someone new and then a few weeks later well... Well, meeting someone new is always so uncomplicated at first. There are lots of smiles and stares. You're caught up in the euphoria of the moment and your desire to have it last is so visceral you can barely contain your joy. It's the next steps that are the most crucial and so far I just enjoy the simplicity. Wednesday was simply amazing start to finish. There's clicking and then there was she and I. We saw The Hangover, which was definitely funnier the second time around! Then after we just ... had fun and serious conversation. Honestly I've been in awe of what a great person she is. It's a hard night to write about because... it was just a great night. Point made, mission accomplished.

Okay so the car is acting up again and I'm not even all that worried for once. I think I've become so jaded to my vehicles because of their near scheduled break-downs. It'd be SO awesome like a hundred BA-GILLION hot dogs if I could get just one of them running in a very normal, reliable way. Sadly, I think it's not meant to be. I just went outside a bit ago to tinker under the hood to make myself feel a little more confident... I know it was pointless. It was like automechanic masturbation. You play around with a few things, without really accomplishing anything, but you still feel a little better for a bit afterwards. Yeah! I know what you're thinking and I can't believe I made that comparison either.

I damn near completely missed out on seeing my sister this week. I saw when she first got home but that was it. I've been busy or otherwise unable to visit. Kinda sucks. Also Mom and Dad left for South Carolina today and my job is to go to the house, feed the cats and look at the raccoon trap everyday. Not sure how thats going to happen without a car, but I'm not sure how I'm going to get to and from work either. Awesome again. Oh well, at least I can hide away in my apartment and feel at home.

"He blew his mind out in a car."

-S

Makin' Due

I woke up this morning
realized i wasn't with you
Thought I might have fucked it up
It's okay 'cuz I'll make due.

I'm always feeling like
I wasn't quite enough
things like I didn't make you happy
and other stupid stuff.

Never been told anything
so I don't know what is true.
Just left here, sittin', waiting
So I guess I'll just make due.

I suppose I'm better off
waitin' for you to come around
But I know if I don't try to call
I probably won't hear a sound.

It's gotten late
and I'm too tired to continue.
So I guess I'll get some sleep and
Tomorrow I'll just make due.

All I Can Do Is Read A Book To Stay Awake...

"and it rips my life away but it's a great escape."

I dream in still photos and graffiti writing. My dreams are often filled with the extremes of my existence and the possibilities that can be or could have been. Every photo is perfect and captures the emotion of the situation in ways even the dimwit passing by the gallery only haphazardly glancing aside could instantly pick up on the story and find himself immersed in the art exhibit that is my subconscious. There's almost always graffiti in my dreams. Even the sex dreams there'd be something on the bed post written in black sharpy. Once, I remember the quote was from Shakespeare, it was on a wall nearby it said, "Go forward, through." Was I ever! It's stuff like that... I wish I could tap into my inner creativity, my subconscious genius and out it out on paper. If I could figure that little magic trick out, I'd have the opportunity to find myself very comfortable for the rest of my days.

Last night I had a dream about a girl. She was dirty blonde and beautiful. Her smile was incredible and she made me think of summer time with the way her face lit up when she looked at me. I remember the phrase written on a table in the restaurant we were in and it said," Faberge' Happiness." Meaning, I guess, that happiness is like a Faberge egg. It is beautiful and worth a lot to you, but if you're not careful with it, it can shatter into a thousand pieces and be lost to you forever. I read this to myself a hundred times over. Her bright blue eyes were still staring and smiling back at me as if I hadn't but glanced at the writing. She was speaking but I couldn't hear her. I knew what she was saying though. She went on and on about how much she loved me and how much fun we had. That part of the dream came in flashes, photographic images of her. Close ups of her eyes and lips. Then the smile was gone and suddenly she looked very serious and started backing away. She got up and left the table, then the restaurant. I was sitting alone again staring at the table which now read, " This too, shall pass."

That's when I woke up. I sat up in my bed missing her dearly. I had to type this up just to get back to sleep. It was an awfully vivid dream and the kind I could do without. Everyone tells me it's best to move on. I am moving on I just don't know what I'm moving on to. Guess that's life huh?

"I just want someone to say to me, I'll always be there when you wake."

-S

The First New Blog of The New Year!... and it’s depressing.

"So no one told you life was gonna be this way?

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love-life's D.O.A.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year..."

So, it turns out when I'm content, I have no need to write.

For awhile there everything in my life was slowly coming together, or so it seemed to me. My social life seemed to be cruising along steadily with a group of friends who could be counted on. Freebird was back from DC and we were hanging out a lot. Work seemed survivable given that break was on and when I was there it was lethargically paced and relaxed. The shop was accommodating and somewhere to go to blow off an hour or 2. Even my family was around and in good spirits.

Fate, it seems, is not without a habit of being bipolar.

Here at the ass end of break with literally 6 minutes until Monday, damn near everything has changed. Socially speaking, the climax of break would have been the awesome party Doug and Mara put on for New Years eve. Everyone who was there, I think, had a glorious time! Examining in literary fashion you would see that after the grand climax of a story, there follows the "Denouement" where things sort of wind down into a resolution phase of the story. Sadly, in this story it's not all butterflies and hot dogs. The following morning I caused a verbal disagreement with Freebird that kind of wrecked everything. Now, particulars aside, we sorted things out on Saturday but I'm still left with this insecurity about things that won't help matters at all. She's going back to school in a couple weeks which was kind of the issue to begin with.....

I also spent time at the shop on Friday for a bit and Saturday. I'm not even sure how to describe it... Saturday I found myself with the same old feelings I'd had over the summer. Feelings of unappreciation and unneededness, if that's even proper English... Maybe it was just me, maybe it was just that day but I ended up leaving early and going home. Now my friends, well nothing's really changed there, Except Kwikki and I had a few choice words exchanged at one point. However, friends are all great. I just didn't see a whole lot of some of them and only realized today that I've kinda missed them. Missing them is my doing though so no worries there. As for family, my sister went home and Mom and Dad disappeared on day trips to where ever. I only heard from them when Verizon bugged them for me to pay my phone bill.

Which brings me to work. Job Corps. Tomorrow... errr... TODAY, I get thrown back into the fires of Hell. Back to the fast paced pressure of trying to get everything done in our understaffed little department. Bring on the headaches and bring on the stress. Oh well.

I'm trying to think more positively and it's going to have to start with Job Corps. So, here goes... Fortunately over break I had plenty of time to work on my office. I spent a few bucks and hours making it a little more comfortable. I added new wall art and stocked it with some food items. I rearranged furniture a bit and frankly it's almost cozy! LOL not really but for a place I have to spend a fair portion of my week, and for being in the middle of one of my most despised places ever, it's a sanctuary if ever there was one at Job Corps. So that's that. As far as the shop goes, well, did most of what I needed, no strike that, not needed, would-have-been-asked-to-do so if I don't show up there til Friday, I know I won't be missed. Friends? Well we're gonna have to hang out more, I mean I went and saw Juno McRollin'-Wit-Dubs tonight for a short minute. We watched as a lady shop-lifted at Lowe's and ran off, cashier in hot pursuit. She's about to effin' pop so there's that to look forward to.

Finally, I'm trying to find things to distract me, but I'm also trying to change my life for the better. I've decided to commit myself to exercising. I was inspired by my visits to Millrace over the last few days. I went out again today by myself and walked around the neighborhood of the Punkin Patch. Despite the tightness and soreness I experience I feel that energy coming back. It's such a great feeling and I missed it intensely. The good news is that it's only the beginning. Hopefully I'll be inspired to stick with it, hell, maybe someone will ACTUALLY do it with me!... Hmmm better not get my hopes up. Finding an exercise partner for me is actually harder than trying to find a date! LOL Wish me luck. For now though I need to get to bed. It's almost half past midnight and I still have to get up at 6.

"I'll be there for you, cuz you're there for me too."

-S

update: Freebird ended it. We're done.

There Are Places I’ll Remember All My Life... Though Some Have Changed

I was searching for a wall socket to plug in my Laptop. I was wanting to watch another episode of the Sopranos to fall asleep to. In searching I came across a shoe box with old photos in it. There baby pictures of both my sister and I. My parents college graduations, and other events that transpired before 1997. There were several from christmas years past. The idea of seeing yourself at a younger age isn't all that shocking. This time around I noticed my father more than anything. In so many of the pictures he was thinner and had a youthful exuberance in his smile. Something he sadly has no more. I mean he smiles, but not like that. He's older. It struck me. We notice people growing up all the time.We even notice people growing old. How often do you notice a person aging? I've never thought of my father as an old man. I always saw him as just, well, older. However, after seeing the comparison, from say, Yesterday during gift exchanges for Christmas, compared to the photos of him from a Christmas probably 14 years ago, I noticed the age in his smile. I'm not really sad having noticed it, but more taken aback. There were pictures of my father holding me as a baby. In those pictures he's only about 5 years older than I am now. Frankly, the thought was a little frightening, the idea that I'm catching up to my father in some way. You never think about this stuff until life points it out to you in some way.

I was once younger. I had more ideas, I had more energy. Life was so much less complicated. I was so...unaware of how precarious life can be, will be.

Granted there are so many joys that come with age. Those photos made me ponder the future though. You start looking at the definition in your face, how the once sparkling infinity that was in your eyes have dimmed with experience. It's a strange metaphor as no real light ever eminates from our pupils or iris.... but there is a light there when we're young. I doubt anyone will argue that. Still, next time you look in the mirror and notice your age, don't think of it sadly. Growing old means you're alive. You're not feeding the worms yet. I mean, unless you're out dumping soil on earth worms for the sake of their consumption... which would be weird.
"...some forever, not for better."

Really weird actually. I mean think about it, you'd have to dig up the worms first! Why would you do that? Man, you people are messed up. Stop feeding the fucking worms!....

I guess I ended that oddly.

Well....

"In my life, I've loved them all."

-S

Stranger.

I don't even know you anymore....
The way you talk
it's alien.
The words you say
have meaning but
the way you say them
hurt....
Like a stranger
talking stranger
thinking stranger
feeling stranger.

Who
Knew
that you
could do
that to
me too
and be you.
It's true
I'm blue.
Fuck you
too.

It's you not
me.
It sucks
to be
The reason
you flee.
I know that
we
Used
to be
Happy you
see.

Your point,
it's made.
I miss talking
Conversation
made me high.
Now you're odd.
I know who you are
But you...
You've evolved,
devolved,
because you're involved
somewhere else.
Have fun, I'll still be here
when you're done.

fine'

Atterbury Poem

Late night confessions of a midnight rambler...
Are strongly mixed with truth and the observations of
tired eyes.

Sitting, breathing, walking, dreaming...
I grow impatient of each passing experience not had.
Every nearby companion engulfed
in their own unconscious love affair with serenity.
Thoughts of envy and sadness creep like the song...
Distractions of loved ones who are not longer loving,
Make me remember how lucky I am to have lost.

The lights of man and society glow in the distance
They break up the shades of colors recently forgotten
By the sun.
Shadows form from structure and beast.
They placidly drape along the landscape
Like the random stains of an exploded bottle of ink.
No moon or stars tonight as they wickedly hoard their light
Behind the swollen clouds who's dreary dark masses
Jealously block the beauty of star light from the saturated planet.

The peace of night is serenaded
By a symphonic melody hummed on by tireless machines
While unseen natural contributors take up the harmony
Rustling, chirping, howling, and swirling a song
sung for a millenia before the first memory of man.

I sit transfixed by the incarcerating atmostphere
That captivates the senses while intrigues the imagination
Knowing, that upon break of day, the light of the Sun
Accompanied by the invasive presense of man
Will chaotically redefine the environment
That is.... until The majesty of night
Once again pacifies into nirvana.

Please..

You don't see me sitting near
quietly waiting here
completely unappreciated there
nobody asking where.

I feel invisible most of the time
sequestored away as if guilty
of some unmentionable crime

I can hear you talking
All of your attentions diverted
away from where I am stalking.

Hate and loathing consume me
Why can't I be noticed and admired
why can't any of you see?

When I disappear from here
it will truly be clear
With no one to stare
and equally no one to care.

-S

Vermillian

Beware!
It's the attack!
The emerald eyed monster
The ugly head
A nasty shadow looms...
The effects reach
far.
Makes you wonder
about me.
As I sit here
quietly
thinking, wishing,
wanting what
I can't have.

Desiring
for you to think
what I think
feel what I feel
I wish I could make you
so you'd be aware...
penetrate your mind
like a mental vagina
and impregnate
your thoughts
your soul
so you could
understand why I am
the way I am.

The way I always am.

The Invisible.

Stop.
wait for the right
moment.
You'll catch a glimpse
of something you've seen
but never noticed.
The invisible.
We aren't clear,
transparent or
hollow.
Just unspectacular
in yours eyes
and to most...
our existence
is expendable,
unreportable,
certainly
not-so-memorable.
just like being
invisible.
We harbor
great talent
revel in
deep thoughts and
happily help
everyone we can.
Thankless or
unappreciated though
we are.
We
strive to better
ourselves and those
around us
out of the kindness of our hearts.
our minds.
our souls.
So if you do
notice in passing
a vision of us in glancing
just know that it is permissible
to acknowledge the
Invisible.

-S

My Love ISN'T Like A Warm Summer Breeze.

I heard it said once in a romantic poem that the speaker's love was like a "Warm Summer Breeze". It's a very soothing line full of sensory stimulus and poetic imagery. However, if I were to describe my love it would not me like a warm summer breeze. In my opinion a warm summer breeze it an unwelcome thing. It's hot in the summer, who wants a warn breeze? Not I. Also, a breeze lasts but a few seconds if that, why would you compare your love to something so fleeting? I guess if sounds good because the individual words sound great. The word warm makes you feel warm when you say it so naturally it's a pleasant thought to think of something warm. The season of Summer is usually a favorite among most people because it's a fun season full of promise and relaxing. The word Breeze conjures up thoughts of refreshment and exhilaration that from a cool breeze in the summer time. So as you see individually the parts work, but the whole is not so great. That in itself is a TERRIBLE metaphor for your love of another person! Gee honey as individuals we're awesome like hot dogs but together we're uncomfortable and unwanted... How romantic.

How about instead, "My love is like a warm summer's promise that exhilarates you like a cool breeze wafting through the trees on a clear starry night." It may not be perfect but it sure gets the point across.

-S

Live.

Your life
is yours to live.
To share for sure
but not to give.

It is not the tree's
nor blades of grass
It is not your teachers
nor for your class.

It's your only one
so do not dwell
so that when you're done
you've lived it well.

Your life
is yours to live.

-S

Something In The Way.

There's something in the way she moves. She attracted me like no other lover. Even in the beginning when I so many other choices, she drew me in. There was something in the way she wooed me. The way her smile was like a virus, infectious and resilient. The way she'd look at me with warmth in every expression that she made. Every moment spent with her was enhanced by the joy she brought to every minor experience. I guess, I just felt lucky to share anything with her because of how much she loved sharing her life with me. The happinesses I find in the world are bolstered and refined because of how she changed my perceptions. Even the word love itself seems to be insufficient when describing how I feel for her. All I can do is hope.... hope that the way I make her feel brings her as much as she gives to me with a single look.

-S

Getting It Out

I know I miss you
and that would be enough
if it weren't for
these feelings of
anxiety and
mistrust.

It's hard you know
for me to be
calm and accepting
of thoughts,
feelings,
or anything else, I can't
see.

Cheating, Lying and
Infidelity
Are not words I'd think of
when describing the
pain
and doubt
in me.

I knew you loved me
I know it's true
however
time, distance, and
absence can
diminish or obliterate the
feelings in
you.

I hope it's only worry
and an adjustment like
you said
But every new day
I fear brings the
inevitable end
instead.

-S