Chapter 2: Bigger Smaller

I woke up the next morning feeling pretty good about myself. the eggs I made for breakfast were no different than the ones I made the yesterday but these tasted better. Everything felt lighter. The constant onslaught of bad news in the paper or on the TV even seemed like white noise compared to the fulfilling sensation of what had happened the day before. Then... my friend, and I use the term loosely, Kyle came over.
Kyle thought he knew me too.
People always think they know a nice guy.
I liken my relationship with Kyle to that of Biff and George from the Back To The Future movies. He thinks I'm a nice, and weak, guy that he can take advantage of. Hell, I let him. I didn't want to take the chance of pissing off the one friend I had that came over to hang out with me. By hang out I mean eat all of my food, make cracks at how I looked, leave a massive shit in my bathroom toilet, and just be a total dick.

Kyle was wearing his black, form-fitting shirt and skinny jeans today. He must be going out somewhere to pretend he's hip.
I fucking hate fake people. I hated myself for so long because I was one of them.
He asks me at the door if I have any beer. I slam the door in his face because he has officially killed my good mood. There is this deep burning feeling I get in my chest and eyes when people ruin a good thing for me. That feeling like when you've been sitting too close to an open flame for too long and everything feels hot like you're cooking in an over.
Kyle the dick bangs on my door cursing at me like I should be impressed or give a shit. Finally after I down a glass of orange juice he stops. I go to put the glass in the sink and he kicks the door. The noise startles me and I drop the glass on the floor, where it shatters into hundred of tiny, unusable, but very bad for bare feet, bits.
I yell to Biff, Dick, Kyle... whatever, that I'll just be a minute as I walk back to my living room. I pull on my boots. Black sketchers are good for formal wear as well as creating imprints in people's hind-flesh. As I'm tying the last boot I see a sharpie and get an idea.
Kyle's there waiting like a moron when I get back. He looks at me annoyed and asks where the fuck I've been. I smile. I like smiling. He gives me a quizzical look as I motion for him to enter still smiling. He then heads predictably for the fridge. As he passes I slip a sketcher in between his skinny jeans. He doesn't fall but corrects himself turns around ass if to strike but stops short looking at my smile with a slight twinge of something slowly crossing his eyes with all the tell-tale signs of what seems to be fear. He then shrugs as if not to care, though I'm pretty sure it was a self assuring shrug that "this guy wouldn't try shit with me" kind of deal. I laugh.
He spins again this time asking what I'm "fucking sun shining about". His glare puts up a macho facade of controlled anger, but his voice is the give-away this time. There is a slight quiver in his words. The control in his face disappears when step into him. I stop and inch from his face and let my smile fade away.
It doesn't take much from there on. I only nudge him a little with the palms of my hands flat against his chest and he goes down like there was a trap door opening beneath him. As he moves to get up I place my left sketcher on his stupid form-fitting shirt to reassure him that he'll get up when I like.
It's now that the sharpie comes into play. I knelt down so that my knee was on his sternum and told him if he struggled I'd crush his rib inward puncturing his heart and lungs. I think I smiled too sadistically because silly Kyle believed me. I pulled out the sharpie and wrote "door mat" on his forehead. It was only after I finished writing that I saw the undeniable terror in his eyes. The big bad bully had fallen off his horse and found that on the ground he was no bigger than all the other he used to walk through.
Feeling like my point had been made I looked him dead in the eye and said, "Welcome to everyone else's life." Then I got up and leaned up against the kitchen table making no movements as he slowly got to his feet. I wasn't smiling anymore. Inside I felt bad for sinking to his level. I didn't like it on the other side.
Kyle didn't say another word, he just left quietly until he got to the door and then he ran as fast as he could in his skinny jeans.
Putting the sharpie down on the counter I smirked knowing that I would never see Kyle again. I knew I would sleep well yet another night.

I Miss

Keep talking
We talk about nothing.
we talk
just to Listen
I like to hear your voice.
Miss it, when it's
not there,
Here.
Hear it.
Our talks,
were always good.
fun, like that time
in the parking lot.
That first night.
You had to go,
and I had to stay
You stayed and
I didn't go.
We sat there
for hours and
spoke,
About everything you
me.
Now we watch
what we say.
There's others
listening.
to us.
They don't talk
like we did.
When we
talk to them
they don't listen.
Only when it's
just us.
Do they hear,
us.
We should
talk more.
Now and later.

-S

Chapter 1: Birth

People think they know me.
I found myself being the nice guy an awful lot before I started all this. Everyone I knew would tell me the same things, about what a good person I was. Socially speaking, being the nice guy means being a door mat. People love you because they can walk all over you. They clean the shit off of them and wipe it all over your face. They confide in you because you're safe and nonthreatening. They know that you know that if you were to ever say anything they could deny it and you'd end up looking like the douche everyone already thinks you are.
I hated being the nice guy.
The girls I dated had no respect for me. They were with me for some sort of search for what they thought they wanted. Someone who treated them well and respected them. Turns out thats not what those girls wanted, it may have been what they needed. They wanted that asshole coke-fiend down the road who didn't know anything about them except that he'd love to fuck them in the ass until they screamed. Yes, the nice guy always gets cheated on.
This is your life. Every day you can wake up hoping for something different be it a job or girl. It doesn't matter because it's not going to happen. You get a new job it's a dead end one like the last. you meet a new girl and she's a cheating cunt like all the others.
That was my life.
Then about a week ago the latest cheating cunt was screwing the local coke-fiend and I woke up that morning and a change finally happened. I hit bottem. I got up and threw on a shirt. I walked out the back door and down a dirt path littered with bottles and trash from last weeks garbage pick up. At the end of the path was the little white shack. I went through unlocked back screen door and made a bee line to the bedroom. The cunt and the fiend were so surprised that they both gave me the same stupified looks. So I happily punched the look right off of the fiend's face which in turn scared the look off the cunt's face as she tried to untie herself from the sweaty pretzel position she had gotten into with the fiend.
I wasn't going to hit her. I don't hit girls, I'm a nice guy remember? Oh thats right, I'm rebeling against that.
She finally got to the floor and as she got up to run away I stuck out my foot and she hit the carpet hard.
"Ouch", I half laughed with a freaked out smile.
"Fuck you Asshole! What the fuck are you doing!?" She cursed and she screamed and I began to wonder why the fiend hadn't retaliated. I looked around at him and he was sitting there crying.
"Hold on sweetheart, this man is crying." I stopped and studied the loser of a person. He looked up at me and just said," I'm sorry man! Don't hit me again. I do stupid shit when I'm fucked up, you know?"
People like this have always made me miss the concept of natural selection.
I left then and there feeling free. The cunt threatened to press charges as she scrambled half naked to her white Saturn parked out front. I lovingly reminded her to wipe off the white stuff under her nose before she went to the police.
Back at home I took a piss threw off my shirt and went back to bed.
I've never slept so well that I can remember.

Dreams

wake up.
A visceral reaction
to what
what is unpleasent, unwanted.
Unconscious avatars that chase.
Forcefully pursue me.
Why do you make me remember?
It's over.
I know.
Why hope?
Persistence in dreams
undaunting, infinite.
Yes I miss you.
Doesn't mean
I want to think,
about you.
Shadows of Clockwork relationships
breaking down time,
cerebral gears falling
cracking, crushing,
on my contentment.
Beg for consciousness.
Ghostly figures representing,
gathering, like storm clouds.
Around me. Not to scare.
To make you long, pine, wish.
Something more than
ephemeral pleasure.
Ignore your instincts,
fall into the memory,
the beauty of that smile.
A smile that will,
never be, again.
remember me.
We're not real.
Awake.
heart pounds and eyes focus.
Comprehension dawns.
Disappointment sets in.
Time has passed, though,
memories, thoughts, all,
bleed from freshly cut wounds
of the mind. Thanks.
I never, ever want to
sleep again.

Us.

She comes closer
I look into your eyes
Lips biting
fingers curling
chest rising.
falling
leaning forward
kiss me once
bite my lip.
a tender sigh.
relax,
constrict around me
roll around
move the sheets
bodies rubbing
Her face twists
sweat beads.
You smile
piercings glisten in the low light.
sigh again.
bite your nipples
lips part
tongues wander like hands.
pace quickens.
faster heart, faster.
scratch my chest.
rough kisses
all over the room.
heavier breathing
Your mouth agape
muscles squeeze
Her body tightens
blood burning through
faces red
sighing louder
clutched hips
back arched
Your nails dig in.
she exhales.
final convulsion
death rattle
waves crash
lean in for a kiss.
You smile a me again.
kiss my forehead.
bodies part.
gentle embraces.
Eyes close.
I'm awake.
She'll never know
the best sex we ever had.
was with you.

That Guy.

Despite everything
I became that guy.
neutral.
Non-threatening.
The nice guy.
Good friend.
All lables for
he who finishes
LAST.
Complain to me
about this guy
who
You married.
Vent all
about how he doesn't
make you happy.
All the ways
I could.
Remind me why
I care.
Why I
Stay.
Why I
can't stop
thinking
about you.
I'm not
that guy.
Quit trying to make me
him.
I am a threat.
Never forget
history,
what came before.
Because I was
never that guy.
I tried
to steal you.
I wanted you
from him.
We have a past.
You and I.
Me and you.
us. yeah. us.
Don't treat me
like I never cared.
I haven't forgotten
that feeling.
I don't want to.
So I'm sorry but
I'm not able
to accept
your lables
I can't do,
be,
that guy.

A friend like any other.

Yesterday,
it was a friend of mine
you flirt with.
Today,
in my ear
you whisper.
Seduce me with
your promises.
You know,
I trust you.
A better friend than most.
Some leave.
Some Lie.
Promise an end.
Guaranteed bliss.
Set me free.
I've said no before.
And You always come back
Some friends
haven't and
you showed them.
Like you will
show me.
Tell me how to meet you.
The easiest way.
People who hate you
say I shouldn't listen
They say pain is temporary
but your promise is forever.
Isn't that what I want?
Exactly
what you'll give.
The glint of steal.
Inviting cold.
Bottled warmth
drink you down.
Quick, slow.
doesn't matter.
Promises fullfilled.
Should we go?
Is it right
to suffer?
Or wrong
to end it?
Confusion
Desperation
Loneliness.
All roads
led to you.
Will you take me?
I'm ready.
Help me.

War.

So confused
so distraught
I wish this war in my head would stop
I have an Angel at my side
but the devil's on my back
I feel weak and insecure
I know its wrong.
it keeps growing.
The fear, the guessing.
Love or In Love.
I can't tell.
Was I wrong at the start
She cannot be mine
But she tells me and tells me
yes all the time.
Why did I say anything at all?
wondering and second guessing.
mind obsessing
over and over and over
please tell me when
I can open my eyes and be happy again.

Nevermind

nevermind.
no really
nevermind the tears
forget the pain.
just drop it.
act like it never happens.
It is just as they say.
Life will go on.
Heh, how cliche'
You'll forget how it felt
eventually. everyone forgets.
time heals all wounds.
right?
Tomorrow means a new start
Then i'll begin again.
You'll be reminded.
Yeah you'll remember
hearts will stop
lungs will heave.
eyes moisten. but
don't look at me like that.
You knew it was coming.
or did you forget?
I know, I know
melodramatic. right?
Oh nevermind.
Sorry, didn't mean
well maybe....
no, I'm sorry
it's me. To everyone.
I made it this way
You hurt but
I feel pain.
It's what i do.
the only thing I can do.
I don't want to talk about it.
forget it, it's not important.
I just hurt
you more than I hurt.
Not anymore.
I'm not a good person.
nevermind.
Ignore me, and everything.
let me fade
You won't have to worry
anymore. I'll be done.
Don't care. please.
just stop. forget.
No, I'm fine.
nevermind.

Really.

I love that smile.
not the thought behind it.
I'm a game
enjoy the play.
because you're the best
He's just for fun
a personal sport
whatever makes you happy.
say you care with a look
love without regret
but regret that you love
and unequal mirror images
distant reflections of self
the inside and out.
Project your feelings
secrets uncovered in full light
the reality you created falls to pieces
your smile has as much charm
as the cuts in your wrist.
But I see your pain
in the way you love.
Undeserving of what you want.
stuck with what you have.
Refusing to take a risk
letting go.
Your life is written
in the marks on your skin.
Too sensitive?
driving you crazy.
why come back?
Why lie?
You keep trying to escape.
elastic reactions to your attempts
pushing with force
quickens your return.
Deny how you feel
until your nose starts to bleed.
Your dishonest shelter
with holes in the roof
they get bigger with every smile.
Stop being afraid
Still you play.
but the game never ends.
I may be hurt,
but in the end we both lose.
Change the rules.
Let me play.
Not us, but you and me.
Be true, friend?
really.

Disappointment.

a prayer to the heavens
wishing on the stars
hopes lifted up
seems pointless so far.
down here we
live a real life
convaluted day to day
problems and strife.
i can't waste my time
I got things to do
old bills I gotta pay
to make way for the new.
Politics, Religion
some birds got infected
I'm to busy thinking about
my application got rejected
more choices to make with
every chance that I'm able
can't worry about a career
have to put food on the table.
College education
supposed to pay for itself
Cheap wage labor
doesn't provide much wealth
Higher education
isn't what it seems
doesn't give way to
prayers, hopes, wishes and dreams.
hard work, ambition
experience, and knowing someone.
Those are the things that matter
when this long ass day is done.
I'm ready go home
quit working and sit
I've done my fair share
of this low paying bullshit
So tomorrow I'll get up
early and get in line
fill out another application
so I can get mine.

Renewed Direction.

I've been writing alot of poems. I don't feel my other blog is really a good place to post them.... given the subject matter, so I'm going to start using this blog as my outlet. Assuming it's working anyway.

so here goes.

There.

It was foggy on the drive back
just like that first night
great!
Pattern recognition's a bitch.
Fog, Tattoos, Hair-dye, all fucked.
It was nice seeing you.
Even though, you weren't you.
Memories would bleed
like fresh razor cut.
They lingered and now I'm emo.
At least it's Wednesday.
Wednesdays are always boring.
I'm grateful for any break
in the monotony.
I hate fucking friday nights.
most people love them.
I hate them.
Fridays disappoint.
People let you down Fridays.
You meet the girl of your dreams Fridays
Your girlfriend cheats on you fridays
You get dumped fridays.
This is your life and
it's ending one friday at a time.
Drive's over. back home.
It's time to forget again.
it was nice though, seeing you again.
Even if it wasn't THAT you.

New Bag.

As much as I enjoy bitching....

I also want to post things from my sketch book. If not for feedback then for my own silly pleasure.

No Exit Strategery.

Why is our president such a moron? According to his last speech the reason we shouldn't pull out Iraq is because terrorists would commence more attacks on our country's soil. So... since the war has been going on.... the terrorists stopped planning attacks? Mr. Bush you redefine stupid on a daily basis. Is this what we should call STRATEGERY? Who elected this guy? Oh yeah, people who don't want boys kissing.

another test.... yes I'm learning.

just a test

Weekend Break Down.

Friday.
I worked a half day @ KC and had my oil changed finally! I was only 6-7 thousand miles overdue. The drive up to Muncie was fantastic. I think it may have actually been one of the best parts of my whole weekend second only to seeing Kristin again. Anyway, it was great being in Muncie and hanging with Asian-Ben while having access to g4 and 9 pizza kings.

Saturday.
I tried really hard to sleep but couldn't. No surprises there. We left to go pick up and meet people in Hartford at around 2:30 am. We met up with Asian-Ben's friends Derrik, Lam, Kevin, and Kevin's lady Debra. The guys were all dressed up in shirts from Alter Ego Comics, I was not. Anyway, we drove up to Chicago. I managed a total of maybe a few hours sleep. We got there and I was still tired from lack of sleep. Everyone else got in almost right when we got there as they had advance tickets. I had to wait an hour until I could be allowed to buy a ticket. After buying my ticket I got ushered off to a room where I got to wait another hour ro be allowed into the convention hall. Yep, I had to wait two hours longer than all the people I came up with. Note to self for next year, buy advanced tickets. Inside was awesome. Kristin, beautiful and talented. People in costumes, not always beautiful. After the con we went on an adventure to find our hotel. When we finally found it we found out that the double room 6 people were supposed to share was actually a single bedroom for 6 people to share. Kevin and Deb got the bed. Asian-Ben, Derrik, and I slept on the floor while Lam very oddly sorta slept upright in a chair. I was camped out under the sink area next to the bathroom. I slept like a baby.

Sunday.
Everyone was up by 8 am and we left around 9 am. Kevin and Debra went back to the con while we stopped at Dunkin Donuts before making the trek back to Muncie. I've missed Dunkin Donuts. I still have a few left of the dozen I bought. When we got back Asian-Ben took Lam and Derrik back to Hartford City while I did some fanart of Harley Quinn and Cammy. I had pizza king that night.

Monday.
I woke up around 11:30 am and watched a generous amount of g4tv. How I miss that channel... After Asian-Ben awoke we went to go see Talladega Nights: the ballad of Ricky Bobby. It was funny funny. We stopped off at Alter Ego Comics to say whats up to jason. After that I left for home. The trip down was fast and enjoyable, but knowing where I was traveling too seriously decreased the joy of the trip. Tomorrow I get to go back to dull existense in C-bus IN.

-Ciao

Things I learned from WWChicago Con 2006

one.
I need to bring my own water and food. I paid almost $8 for a tiny slice of pizza and a small cup of pepsi(which was filled to the brim with ice).
two.
I want more money to spend. I went over to the TopCow and Aspen booths first and then made a B-line to Artist alley. I bought a print of [link]" a moon<>from kristin. After that she gave me another print which was equally awesome of Kiani (my favorite Fathom toon). She directed me to another artist, Stuart Sayger, from whom I bought a print. So it was in my head then that I wanted art, art, art. I found Tony Moore (walking dead) and just about lost it. The Walking Dead is my favorite comic right now. Bad thing was, he was charging $75 for sketches. Thats a lot, but I REALLY wanted him to do me as a Zombie. So next year I will get one, I just need more money to spend on that and buy books at the same time.
three.
Attend more panels. I loved the ones I attended, those being Peter Stiegerwald's coloring class, and Peter David's writing class. I need to attend these for two VERY important reasons. One being you learn a ton about comics. And, two you get to sit down for at least an hour. My feet were my downfall Saturday. It's hard to have as much fun as possible when you feel like you're walking on rocks barefoot.
four.
Have a better camera. Last year I had my film camera which is an awesome camera for art photography but not snapshot as it is manual/analog. This year I borrowed my dad's digicam which was awesome until I realized that it takes several seconds to save the pictures and if you say, do something with it before it's finished saving, you lose the pic you just took. I took ALOT of pics at the con, but only four saved to the camera....
Overall.
It was superfluous! I had SO much fun this year. I got many great comics including the excellent first trade of Girls from the luna brothers. I also got lots of inspirational art from some excellent people.
Kristin, you rock.

A Short Letter To The Indiana Sniper.

Dear Asshole,

What gives you the right? I hope your fate is not decided by a jury, but by the families of those whose lives you have forever made just a little bit darker. I do not blame you. I blame your parents. They deserve the same fate as you. A 17 year-old with access to a sniper rifle is insane. I hope they are proud, your parents. They raised a murderer well.
It is people like you that make this pascifist glad we have a death penalty. Now where as I'm sure your age will prevent you with recieving it, I do hope that the prosecution dangles in your face enough to make you sick. I know you'll never really be sorry for what you've done. I just hope you spend the rest of your life being as stupid and bored as you must have been this past weekend. I hope you spend the rest of your life learning you truly are a worthless piece of shit. What gave you the right?

What To Do?

It's those little reminders in life that really get under your skin.

Myspace.com is a good way to keep in touch with friends and see what people are up to. It is also good at reminding you of all the things you are NOT doing. At least, thats how it works for me. It's not like I have had a choice lately though. I'm working everyday of the week now. The people I hang with are usually already busy at something by the time I'm availible. Actually, I'm usually too tired at the end of the day to care one way or the other.

Then I get on Myspace and get reminded, oh yeah! People do things. Damn you responsibility! I have some days off coming up though and I'm going to take full advantage of them. I wanna do some kinda road trip. I was orginally supposed to be going to Chicago for a convention during the weekend in question, but because of financial obligations to a certain loan company I cannot. SO road trip! Somewhere cheap, yet fun. Ideas?

-Ciao